UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
AT   LOS  ANGELES 


0 


ORIGINALITY  AND  OTHER  ESSAYS 


BY  WILLIAM  H.  McMASTERS 
ORIGINALITY 

ESSAYS 

REVOLT 

AN    AMERICAN    NOVEL 

SOMEWHERE  IN  ETERNITY 

SHORT  STORIES 

JANE  ALDEN 

A  PLAY 


BY 


WILLIAM  H.  McMASTERS 


BOSTON 

THE  FOUR  SEAS  COMPANY 
1921 


Copyright,  1921,  by 
THE  FOUR  SEAS  COMPANY 


The    Four    Seas    Press 
Boston,  Mass.,  U.  S.  A. 


"PS 

35*5- 


TO  MY  WIFE 


A   PHANTASY 

Came  a  sunbeam  to  my  window, 
Where  a  shadow  was  at  play; 

Came  a  bright  and  happy  sunbeam, 
And  the  shadow  flew  away. 

Came  a  maiden  to  the  threshold 
Of  my  aching  heart,  one  day; 
Came  a  fair  and  winsome  maiden, 
^  And  the  heart-ache  stole  away. 

o 

(M 

z 


PREFACE 

One  reason  why  this  little  volume  of  essays  is 
turned  loose  on  a  defenceless  world  is  because 
the  supply  of  white  paper  is  not  yet  exhausted. 
Also,  the  author's  patience  in  trying  to  get  them 
printed  in  regular  publications  is  quite  exhausted. 

The  third,  and  best  reason,  for  its  appearance 
is  that  American  publishers  are  of  the  unanimous 
opinion  that  there  isn't  any  public  demand  what 
soever  for  a  volume  of  essays  from  anybody  on 
any  subject.  Under  the  circumstances  what  else 
is  there  for  me  to  do,  but  offer  them  and  hope  for 
the  worst? 

THE  AUTHOR 


CONTENTS 

Page 

ON    ORIGINALTY  .         .        .        .        .        1 1 

ON  THE  IMPENETRABILITY  OF  IGNORANCE  .  19 
ON  STICKING  TO  THE  SUBJECT  .  .  .  25 
ON  THE  GENTLE  ART  OF  PADDING  .  .31 
ON  THE  MATTER  OF  ADVICE  .  .  .  37 
ON  THE  CONTRACTING  OF  HABITS  .  .  43 
ON  NEW  YORK  .  .  .  .  .  49 

ON  WHY  NOT  YESTERDAY  .  .  .  .  57 
ON  THE  COMPETENT  .  .  .  .  .63 
ON  CHAMBERS  OF  COMMERCE  ...  67 
ON  OVER-ENTHUSIASM  ....  75 
ON  MEN  OF  MYSTERY  81 

ON  THE  BUSY  BUSINESS  MAN        ...        89 

ON  DISTRIBUTION 95 

ON   FAKE  ADVERTISING        ....       103 

ON  OUIJA  BOARDS 109 

ON  GOING  TO  CHURCH  .  .  .  .115 
ON  THE  ULTIMATE  PHOTO-PLAYS  .  .  121 

ON  INTERRUPTIONS 129 

ON  WHY  NOT  WORRY        ....       135 


ON  ORIGINALITY 


ON  ORIGINALITY 

HPHE  word  "Originality"  is  so  often  misused  that 
I  think  it  only  fair  to  start  with  a  clear  pre 
sentation  of  my  idea  of  the  word. 

Originality,  as  I  understand  it,  is  the  capacity 
of  doing  something  worth  while  and  first.  A  man 
who  can  establish  a  school  of  painting  as  different 
from  all  other  painting  as  were  Corot's  paintings 
from  those  of  his  time,  is  an  originator.  A  man 
who  can  think  along  lines  as  trail-blazing  as  did 
Carlyle,  is  an  original  thinker — possesses  origin 
ality.  I  am  sorry  for  that  kind  of  a  man.  His 
very  capacity  will  make  him  lonesome. 

If  you  were  to  walk  on  your  hands,  with  your 
feet  in  the  air  some  afternoon  from  Thirty-fourth 
Street  to  Forty-second,  along  Fifth  Avenue,  you 
would  not  be  doing  an  original  thing.  You  might 
think  it  original  because  you  were  the  first  to  do 
it.  But  you  have  my  assurance  that  it  has  been 
considered  hundreds  of  times  by  many  people, 
some  of  whom  were  temporarily  sober,  and  been 
abandoned  because  they  didn't  consider  it  worth 
while. 

To  do  merely  the  unusual,  the  bizarre,  the  dif 
ferent,  the  first-time  thing,  is  not  to  accomplish 
the  original.  If  it  isn't  worth  something  to  your- 

11 


12  ORIGINALITY 

self  and  to  others  it  is  not  original  in  the  true 
sense.  So  far  as  I  see  there  isn't  anything 
worthy  of  the  modification  of  a  clean-cut  adjec 
tive  that  doesn't  measure  up  to  a  certain  standard. 

In  my  youth  I  was  told  that  there  was  always 
a  demand  for  originality.  The  man  who  could 
think  clearly  along  new  lines,  the  man  with  real 
ideas,  the  man  who  could  devise  striking  improve 
ments,  write  new  plays,  new  stories,  (I  am  not  so 
sure  but  that  new  essays  were  included)  could 
command  his  own  terms.  The  man  who  could 
do  any  or  all  these  things  was  to  have  honors 
heaped  upon  him.  I  believed  it.  What  young 
man,  in  or  out  of  school,  hasn't  swallowed  the  bait 
that  he  sees  floating  in  the  silent  pool  of  his  young 
dreams,  only  to  find  out  that  he  has  been  hooked, 
landed  and  sold  in  the  fish-market  of  experience? 

I  know  that  I  was  first  hooked  with  a  worm  bait 
and  floundered  in  the  grass  so  hard  that  I  found 
my  way  back  into  the  cool  waters — more  wary 
for  my  bleeding  gills.  The  next  time  I  was 
caught  with  a  fly,  but  I  escaped  again  by  flopping 
out  of  the  boat.  Sport  finally  gave  me  up  as  a 
bad  job  and  commercialism  landed  me  in  a  net — 
a  painless  proceeding,  it  is  true,  but  with  no 
chance  for  escape.  Into  the  basket  and  on  with 
the  course  that  follows  the  soup. 

Into  the  net  they  go,  mackerel,  shad,  salmon, 
black-bass,  pickerel,  perch,  sharks,  flounders,  blue 


ON  ORIGINALITY  13 

fish,  tarpon,  horn-pouts,  jelly-fish,  whales,  sun- 
fish,  star-fish,  minnows  and  piscatorial  youth  that 
Ike  Walton  never  knew  or  heard  of — their  visions 
blighted,  their  hopes  blasted,  their  ideas  ravished, 
their  originality  gone  forever,  to  supply  the  greedy 
table  of  commercialism. 

Once  in  the  modern  field  of  commercialism,  the 
man  with  an  original  idea  in  his  head  is  notified 
by  some  telepathic  message  that  any  change  from 
the  regular  routine  means  cutting  off  his  income. 
He  becomes  an  automatic  attachment  to  the  hum 
drum,  a  sort  of  a  hum-drum-stick  as  it  were.  A 
wife  and  a  family  insure  his  helplessness  for  his 
life-time,  unless — 

Unless!  Oh,  that  saving  clause  in  every  writ 
ten  statement.  How  restful  to  retrace  one's 
steps  and  kick  over  every  hurdle  taken  on  the  way 
out.  In  the  case  of  originality,  the  ability  to  differ 
and  differ  intelligently,  with  reasons  for  the  dif 
ference,  the  word  "unless"  marks  the  bumper  at 
the  end  of  the  side  track.  We  will  now  go  back 
onto  the  main  line. 

All  those  things  I  stated  about  originality  being 
smothered  with  the  de-oxygenized  air  of  com 
mercialism  are  true,  unless — 

Unless  the  fire  of  originality  is  the  undying 
flame  of  genius,  unless  it  is  the  ceaseless  light 
that  nature  gives  to  some  of  her  favored  sons  and 


14  ORIGINALITY 

daughters  and  tells  them  to  go  forth  into  the  dark 
places. 

When  that  light  is  once  turned  on  in  a  human 
brain,  all  the  avarice  of  business,  all  the  commer 
cialized  powers  of  the  world,  all  the  grinding 
routine  that  deadens  the  faculties  of  ordinary 
people,  merely  makes  the  light  of  originality  to 
shine  the  brighter,  for  darkness  is  the  greatest 
background  one  can  have  against  which  to  dis 
play  light. 

Originality  is  intelligent  independence.  Like 
all  independence  it  must  be  fought  for  and  paid 
for.  Why  should  the  possessor  of  originality 
complain?  Hasn't  he  something  that  few  pos 
sess?  Isn't  it  worth  more  to  him  than  all  the 
country  houses,  the  yachts,  the  limousines  and 
the  bank  balances  of  all  the  men  he  knows?  If 
the  man  with  originality  doesn't  think  it  worth 
more  than  mere  wealth,  if  he  complain  because 
it  isn't  readily  saleable  like  the  capacity  to  lay 
bricks  or  chauffeur  a  motor  car,  then  he  is  not 
worthy,  and  the  unworthy  do  not  long  retain  pos 
session  of  originality. 

What  if  there  is  only  a  restricted  market  for 
originality!  What  if  most  editors  are  afraid  of 
it,  most  play  producers  shy  at  it,  and  most  pub 
lishers  throw  up  their  hands  or  run  at  the  sight  of 
it?  It  can't  be  helped.  These  are  the  commer 
cialized  handlers  of  routine  things. 


ON  ORIGINALITY  15 

But  somewhere,  somehow,  sometime  there  will 
be  an  editor,  a  producer,  a  publisher  who  under 
stands.  He  is  a  kindred  spirit.  He  is  waiting 
for  the  one  who  is  original;  he  has  waited  long. 
For  his  sake,  and  the  sake  of  all  those  who  will 
appreciate  it  Originality  should  keep  up  the  fight 
till  it  wins. 

To  do  something  worth  while  and  first! 

Isn't  it  worth  all  the  sacrifices,  all  the  rebuffs, 
all  the  heartaches,  all  the  lonesome  vigils,  the 
disappointments  that  it  costs? 

Maybe  Lincoln  could  tell  us.  Maybe  Grant 
knows.  I  am  sure  that  Milton  would  be  glad  to 
set  our  minds  at  rest  on  the  question  if  the  wires 
from  Mount  Olympus  were  working. 

Perhaps  each  of  us  can  answer  it  in  a  way  most 
satisfactory  to  himself.  I  am  sure  that  I  have  the 
right  answer  in  my  own  mind  if  only  I  cared  to 
disclose  it. 


ON  THE  IMPENETRABILITY  OF  IGNORANCE 


ON  THE  IMPENETRABILITY  OF  IGNORANCE 

"\TC7HEN  an  intelligent  man  enters  into  a  dis 
cussion  with  a  man  of  total  ignorance,  he 
is  at  a  disadvantage  because  he  has  to  do  the 
thinking  for  both  sides.  He  is  at  another  dis 
advantage  because  he  has  to  express  his  thoughts 
in  language  that  the  ignorant  man  will  under 
stand.  He  is  at  another  disadvantage  because  he 
has  to  treat  the  ignorant  man  as  an  equal  and  in 
order  to  do  that  he  has  consciously  to  lower 
himself.  He  can't  lift  the  ignorant  man  up  and 
in  order  to  be  equals  in  the  discussion  the  intelli 
gent  man  must  put  himself  on  a  plane  beneath 
him. 

Thus  we  find  a  man,  out  of  his  regular  environ 
ment,  fighting  with  arms  that  he  cannot  use  to 
advantage  and  being  forced  at  all  times  to  furnish 
arms  and  ammunition  for  his  adversary.  Is  it 
worth  the  effort? 

To  this  question,  I  say  "No!"  emphatically.  I 
have  never  seen  a  discussion  between  ignorance 
and  intelligence  where  ignorance  didn't  come  off 
victorious.  It  can't  be  otherwise.  The  methods 
are  so  different,  the  disadvantages  under  which 
the  intelligent  man  must  labor,  are  so  overwhelm 
ing,  that  no  good  can  possibly  come  of  the  contest. 

19 


20  ORIGINALITY 

The  reason  why  intelligence  cannot  compete 
with  ignorance  in  a  friendly  discussion  can  be 
arrived  at  by  analysis.  We  all  know  the  capacity, 
the  straightforwardness  and  the  general  mental- 
honesty  of  an  intelligent  man.  He  is  intelligent 
because  he  thinks.  He  goes  through  a  mental 
process,  correlates  ideas,  adds,  subtracts  and  di 
vides  thoughts,  striving  to  arrive  at  a  sane  and 
therefore  an  intelligent  conclusion. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  ignorant  man  doesn't 
think,  because  he  has  never  been  trained  to  think. 
His  mentality  can't  get  any  further  than  a  baby 
with  its  blocks,  trying  to  build  a  house.  His  ignor 
ance  is  impenetrable,  in-so-far  as  immediate  men 
tal  activity  is  possible. 

In  addition  to  his  density  he  usually  has  several 
traits  that  assist  materially  in  making  it  impos 
sible  to  state  even  your  own  views  without  start 
ing  a  wrangle  and  a  wrangle  is  not  a  discussion. 

The  man  of  ignorance  is  always  positive  that 
he  is  right,  regardless  of  the  subject.  He  is  a 
mental  cheat  and  therefore  suspicious  of  every 
body.  He  can  comprehend  people  as  being  only 
of  the  same  frame  of  mind  as  himself.  If  he 
knew  enough  to  appreciate  an  honest  difference 
of  opinion  he  wouldn't  be  ignorant.  He  is  always 
proud  of  his  ability  to  interrupt  and  figures  that 
every  interruption  counts  a  point  as  though  he 
were  playing  a  game  of  mental  slap-jack.  Lastly, 


IMPENETRABILITY  OF  IGNORANCE      21 

he  knows  that  he  can  always  say  "I  don't  believe 
it"  at  the  end  of  a  discussion  and  from  his  long 
experience  with  other  men  "who  tried  to  argue 
with  him,"  he  is  quite  sure  that  he  can  exasperate 
you  and  make  you  show  your  temper  before  the 
discussion  is  finished. 

I  feel  that  ignorant  people  should  be  treated 
kindly,  be  allowed  to  come  into  the  front  room  if 
their  hands  and  face  have  been  washed,  be 
allowed  to  tell  everybody  how  much  money  they 
have  made  in  selling  clothes,  or  automobiles,  in 
the  stock-market,  or  wherever  their  ignorance 
commands  the  highest  market  price,  but  they 
should  not  be  allowed  to  enter  into  discussions  in 
which  intelligent  analysis  may  help  to  illuminate 
a  truth  or  widen  the  scope  of  some  public  ques 
tion. 

Feed  ignorance  with  predigested  mental  food 
only,  otherwise  you  will  have  a  case  of  ignorantia 
dyspepsia  on  your  hands  and  for  that  there  is  no 
medicinal  cure.  An  operation  on  the  dome  is  the 
only  hope  for  the  patient.  So  be  on  your  guard. 


ON  STICKING  TO  THE  SUBJECT 


ON  STICKING  TO  THE  SUBJECT 

TF  the  object  of  a  discussion  is  to  arrive  at  an 

intelligent  conclusion,  I  maintain  that  it  is 
necessary  to  stick  to  the  subject,  else  the  time 
involved  is  wasted. 

Nobody  will  disagree  from  this  abstract  prop 
osition  and  yet  I  find  it  extremely  difficult  to  get 
people  to  stick  to  the  subject  matter.  Evidently 
the  desire  to  wander  far  afield  is  so  common  as 
to  present  a  good  subject  for  comment  and  anal 
ysis. 

Let  us  take,  for  example,  any  question  of  public 
interest  and  see  how  two  average  Commuters 
would  discuss  it  while  making  the  trip  from  their 
home  station  to  the  city,  any  morning. 

"I  see  that  Harding  declares  for  more  prepared 
ness,"  says  Commuter  No.  1,  by  way  of  opening. 

"So  I  see,"  replies  Commuter  No.  2,  "and  a  fine 
mess  we  would  be  in  if  we  followed  his  views. 
We  would  have  another  war  on  our  hands  in  less 
than  six  months  if  we  went  in  for  all  this  prepara 
tion  at  this  time." 

"Why!"  answers  No.  1,  raising  his  eyebrows, 
"I  am  surprised  that  anybody  can  disagree  with 
the  President  on  such  a  self-evident  National 
need." 

25 


26  ORIGINALITY 

"Bryan  doesn't  agree  with  him,  does  he?"  asks 
No.  2. 

"Bryan  has  never  been  right  on  anything," 
answers  No.  1.  "Look  at  16  to  1.  Where  would 
we  be  today  if  we  had  16  to  1?" 

"It  wasn't  Bryan's  fault  that  16  to  1  failed,  was 
it?  Didn't  Alaska  gold  and  South  African  gold 
come  in  to  relieve  the  stringency?"  retorts  No.  2. 

"What  if  it  did?"  asks  No.  1,  "Wouldn't  these 
discoveries  have  been  made,  anyhow?  Somebody 
is  always  discovering  something.  Everybody  isn't 
a  Doctor  Cook." 

"No!  but  Dr.  Cook  cleaned  up  his  little  pile  on 
a  lecture  tour  and  that  was  what  he  was  after. 
Get  the  public's  money  is  the  rule,  nowadays. 
Look  at  this  Dempsey,  the  new  World's  Champion. 
He  won't  fight.  All  he  does  is  pose  in  the  movies 
for  the  money,"  avers  No.  2. 

"Some  people  try  to  deliver  the  goods.  They 
are  not  all  fakers.  There's  Speaker  of  the  In 
dians.  He  gives  the  public  the  best  he's  got. 
And  it  pays,  doesn't  it?"  suggests  No.  1. 

"Well!  he  got  all  the  breaks,  didn't  he?  If  the 
Red  Sox  were  in  shape  he  wouldn't  have  got  any 
better  than  runner  up,"  replies  No.  2. 

"I  don't  know  about  that,"  answers  No.  1.  "I 
always  figured  that  batters  are  needed  to  win 
games  and  the  Indians  surely  had  a  fine  bunch  of 
swatters." 


ON  STICKING  TO  THE  SUBJECT         27 

"Swatters  are  all  right,  in  their  way,"  suggests 
No.  2,  in  a  heavy  voice,  "but  finesse  counts  in  the 
end.  Otherwise,  how  is  it  that  Senator  Lodge 
was  right  on  the  League  of  Nations?" 

"He  never  was  right  in  his  life,"  shouts  No.  1. 
"Why!  look  at ..." 

The  train  having  now  arrived  at  the  terminal 
and  there  being  no  further  need  of  continuing  the 
discussion,  the  two  debaters  roll  up  their  morning 
papers  and  walk  down  the  aisle  of  their  car,  each 
satisfied  that  he  has  vanquished  the  other  in  a 
clear  discussion  of  the  question  of  "preparedness." 

This  may  appear  to  many  to  be  an  exaggerated 
example  of  a  discussion  among  men  who  meet  in 
everyday  intercourse.  To  others  I  am  afraid  that 
it  will  appeal  as  a  logical  discussion,  and  that  an 
intelligent  conclusion  was  reached.  Such  is  the 
hold  that  mind-wandering  has  got  upon  us  all 
that  I  needs  must  have  a  care  or  in  an  analysis  of 
this  vagary  I  inadvertently  creep  into  the  very 
error  that  I  am  hopeful  to  correct. 

Therefore  I  say,  without  further  parley,  that  in 
an  essay  on  Sticking  to  the  Subject  the  safest 
thing  to  do,  in  order  to  avoid  getting  away  from 
the  subject,  is  to  end  the  essay  before  the  text  is 
forgotten  by  the  reader.  Hence,  the  end. 


ON  THE  GENTLE  ART  OP  PADDING 


ON  THE  GENTLE  ART  OF  PADDING 

T  DO  not  desire  to  take  away  from  Business 

Engineers,  graft  investigators,  or  Efficiency 
Experts  any  of  their  professional  duties  in  con 
nection  with  padded  pay  rolls,  padded  voting  lists 
or  padded  Government  war  contracts.  But  there 
are  other  spots  than  these  where  padding  is  prac 
tised  to  such  an  extent  that  it  is  wasting  the  time 
of  the  public  in  a  manner  almost  unbelievable. 

I  refer  to  padded  novels,  padded  plays,  padded 
speeches,  padded  sermons,  padded  moving  picture 
shows,  padded  conversations,  padded  editorials, 
padded  short  stories,  padded  interviews,  padded 
advertisements,  padded  legislative  reports,  hear 
ings,  committee  meetings  and  so  on,  all  padded 
until  the  meat  is  lost  and  only  the  shell  of  the  nut 
is  ever  seen. 

I  shall  not  give  examples  of  padding  in  all  these 
lines  of  more  or  less  intense  thought.  Padded 
commentaries  are  even  worse  than  other  forms  of 
expression.  A  few  examples  will  suffice.  The 
others  can  readily  be  discerned,  after  the  few  are 
stripped  of  their  superfluity. 

As  to  novels,  I  firmly  believe  that  ninety-five 
novels  out  of  every  one  hundred  that  pour  from 
the  publishing  house  binderies  in  ever-increasing 
streams  could  be  cut  down  from  fifty  per-cent  to 

31 


32  ORIGINALITY 

ninety  per-cent  and  be  greatly  improved  in  the 
reduction.  The  shorter  the  story,  the  clearer 
must  the  plot  stand  out  and  a  story  without  a  well 
defined  plot  is  a  pretty  poor  story.  I  recall  a 
Society  Novel  (publishers'  classification)  that  I 
tried  to  read,  quite  recently.  Its  author  was 
strong  on  the  ways  in  which  he  could  make  his 
characters  talk.  On  three  consecutive  pages, 
two  of  his  characters  were  engaged  in  talking. 

During  this  three  minute  conversation  they 
spoke  "fiercely,"  "surprisedly,"  "suggestively," 
"flippantly,"  "laughingly,"  "incredulously,"  "ban- 
teringly,"  "querulously,"  "inadequately,"  "slow 
ly,"  "reservedly,"  "vehemently,"  "longingly," 
"tremulously,"  "almost  venomously,"  "impetu 
ously,"  "with  lowered  eyes,"  "blushingly,"  "with 
head  erect,"  "as  though  loath  to  change  the  sub 
ject,"  "with  disdain,"  "with  hauteur,"  "with  deep 
feeling,"  "coldly,"  but  when  I  read  "  'Then  you 
can't  go?,'  asked  Herbert,  inquiringly,"  I  closed 
the  book.  Such  stuff  isn't  writing.  It  is  padding 
with  defenceless  words  that  are  wonderful  if  used 
rightly. 

Then  the  movies.  I  was  compelled  to  take  over 
an  hour  to  see  six  long  reels  unwind  themselves 
to  tell  a  story  that  could  have  been  told  in  ten 
minutes,  without  leaving  out  one  essential  that 
affected  in  any  way  the  lives  or  fortunes  of  the 
hero  and  heroine.  Fifty  minutes  of  pure  non- 


ON  THE  GENTLE  ART  OF  PADDING   33 

essentials  in  order  to  get  over  a  fairly  good  10- 
minute  story.  Think  of  the  time  wasted  by  pro 
ducer,  audience  and  the  general  breaking  down 
of  brain  power  on  people  who,  after  a  while, 
become  so  used  to  this  sort  of  entertainment  that 
a  keen,  well-conceived  plot,  filmed  at  tension 
speed,  can't  be  followed  by  their  slow-moving 
brains.  It  will  not  be  long  before  the  efforts  of  an 
intelligent  author  and  a  conscientious  producer 
are  wasted  in  trying  to  give  the  public  something 
worth-while. 

How  many  times  have  you  gone  to  hear  a 
speaker  on  a  subject  in  which  you  were  interested 
and  been  forced  to  listen  to  a  dozen  of  "that  re 
minds  me"  brand  of  anecdotes,  seven  interrup 
tions  prefaced  with  "  and  I  might  recall  in  this 
connection,"  four  "while  it  is  not  directly  con 
nected  with  our  topic,  nevertheless,  etc.,"  and  at 
the  end  of  the  speech  gone  home  thoroughly 
convinced  that  you  had  wasted  your  time? 

Is  there  any  need  of  taking  up  the  other  in 
stances  of  padding?  Not  unless  I  wish  to  do  a 
little  padding  on  my  own  account.  So  I  will  let 
you  think  over  the  others  in  your  own  way.  To 
padders,  I  suggest  cutting  out  the  padding.  You 
will  never  know  the  joy  of  delivering  the  goods 
until  you  do.  Headliners  don't  do  it.  Nobody 
pads  who  isn't  ashamed  of  his  true  shape.  And 
the  truth  shall  make  you  free, — from  padding. 


ON  THE  MATTER  OF  ADVICE 


ON  THE  MATTER  OF  ADVICE 

A  DVICE  is  a  peculiar  commodity.  Those  who 
"^  have  the  capacity  to  give  good  advice  gen 
erally  have  too  much  sense  to  waste  their  time 
trying  to  get  rid  of  it. 

I  am  not  referring  to  "advice  of  counsel."  That 
is  a  different  kind  of  advice  altogether.  It  has  the 
redeeming  feature  of  being  paid  for  and  when 
a  man  pays  for  something  he  generally  uses  it  in 
order  to  get  value  for  his  money. 

Are  you  one  of  those  innocent  souls  who  are 
always  giving  good  advice?  If  so,  I  hope  you 
cease  your  activity. 

As  I  recall  the  last  member  of  your  fraternity 
whom  I  met,  he  was  deeply  grieved  over  several 
business  men  who  had  "all  gone  wrong  because 
they  didn't  take  my  advice,"  as  he  put  it.  I  have 
yet  to  hear  him  tell  me  of  a  solitary  instance 
where  a  man  had  taken  his  advice  and  achieved 
something  because  of  it. 

Giving  free  advice  is  a  sad  waste  of  effort.  In 
the  first  place,  no  man  will  act  upon  it  unless  he 
is  already  inclined  to  do  so.  Secondly,  when  a 
man  lays  his  case  before  you,  the  idea  that^  he  is 
asking  your  advice  is  a  polite  fabrication.  He 
merely  is  suggesting  that  he  is  doing  so,  while  as 

37 


r>< 


38  ORIGINALITY 

a  fact  his  real  object  is  to  acquaint  you  with  his 
personal  activity.  He  wants  to  talk  to  somebody, 
being  a  natural  gossip  or  gadder,  and  he  plays 
upon  your  propensity  for  "giving  advice"  in  order 
to  get  an  audience. 

Just  the  way  a  doting  father  of  a  three-year-old 
infant  prodigy  will  wait  patiently  for  hours  while 
another  doting  father  of  a  four-year-old  genius 
tells  "what  a  vocabulary  Emil  has  developed," 
simply  because  he  wishes  to  spread  upon  the 
records  a  conversation  that  he  had  that  morning 
with  Jonas  in  which  Jonas  actually  pointed  out 
of  the  window  and  said  "Oh!  Papa,  it's  going  to 
rain,"  and  only  three  years  old,  eight  months  ago. 

The  times  when  you  can  actually  give  a  man 
some  real  advice  and  be  sure  of  his  taking  it  and 
acting  upon  it  are  very  few. 

My  mind  now  recalls  vividly  the  numerous 
precious  hours  I  have  wasted  in  listening  to  hard- 
luck  stories,  and  advising  the  tellers  of  the  stories 
and  also  of  the  many  times  when  I  have  made 
suggestions  to  men  in  their  business  or  vocations 
out  of  mere  friendliness.  In  the  matter  of  the 
hard-luck  stories  I  am  unable  to  instance  one  case 
wherein  the  advisee  has  paid  any  attention  to  my 
opinion.  In  the  matter  of  the  business  men  or 
the  professional  men  on  whom  I  have  showered 
my  views,  I  am  able  to  cite  many  cases  where 
the  advice  has  been  taken,  but  never  once  where 


ON  THE  MATTER  OF  ADVICE  39 

I  received  so  much  as  a  "thank  you"  for  having 
made  the  suggestion. 

I  presume  most  men  like  to  pose  as  the  origina 
tors  of  every  idea  upon  which  they  act  and  which 
reaches  a  successful  end.  They  give  credit  only 
to  somebody  else  when  failure  attends  the  ven 
ture.  Most  men  can  make  a  better  excuse  than 
they  can  an  execution. 

So  I  came  to  the  conclusion,  that  if  my  advice 
wouldn't  be  taken  by  those  who  needed  it  most 
and  was  stolen  by  those  who  could  well  afford  to 
pay  for  it,  that  I  would  hereafter  give  advice  only 
to  myself  and  always  sell  it  to  others. 

That  is  why,  in  this  brief  discussion  of  the  ques 
tion,  I  have  sold  you  whatever  advice  you 
may  be  able  to  glean  from  it,  knowing  full  well 
that  you  wouldn't  take  it  if  you  got  it  for  nothing. 


ON  THE  CONTRACTING  OF  HABITS 


ON  THE  CONTRACTING  OP  HABITS 

V\7E  are  being  constantly  warned  against  bad 
habits, — told  how  easy  it  is  to  acquire  them, 
how  hard  it  is  to  break  them,  but,  all  summed  up, 
this  advice  doesn't  seem  to  be  the  right  sort.  We 
all  know  our  bad  habits,  acknowledge  them  to 
ourselves,  at  least,  and  would  gladly  rid  ourselves 
of  them.  But  we  don't  do  so  and  there  is  a  good 
reason.  Trying  not  to  do  something  is  so  lacking 
in  initiative,  so  nugatory  a  thing  that  most  of  us 
dismiss  the  idea  almost  without  a  second  thought. 

Why  not  take  up  with  the  Conservation  plan? 
Why  not  turn  our  habit-making  tendencies  into 
assets?  It  can  be  done,  readily  enough,  and  just 
so  soon  as  we  have  acquired  enough  good  habits 
to  occupy  our  attention,  the  detrimental  ones  will 
have  disappeared.  Of  all  kinds  of  habits, — good 
or  bad — I  am  sure  there  is  a  limit  to  the  number 
that  any  one  person  can  keep. 

I  have  never  smoked  at  all,  so  I  do  not  feel  free 
to  discuss  the  habit  of  smoking,  except  as  a  gen 
eral  observer  of  it.  It  always  seemed  to  me  that 
an  after-dinner  cigar  or  cigarette  was  a  mere 
waste  of  time.  At  least,  one  might  pick  up  the 
habit  of  reading  some  of  the  best  philosophy, 
while  puffing  away  at  the  weed.  Any  man  who 
will  put  his  mind  on  Epictetus  and  try  to  smoke 
at  the  same  time  should  be  so  well  occupied 

43 


44  ORIGINALITY 

mentally  that  his  physical  demands  will  become 
less  and  less.  It  is  worth  the  experiment. 

One  who  has  acquired  the  habit  of  demanding 
an  appetizer  in  order  to  enjoy  his  dinner  and  the 
habit  of  eating  pepsin  tablets  to  settle  his  dinner 
after  the  appetizer  has  forced  him  to  eat  a  big  one, 
can  well  afford  to  drop  the  appetizer  at  one  meal 
and  chew  every  morsel  of  food  very  thoroughly 
before  swallowing  it.  When  he  finds  that  his 
taste  is  awakened,  that  he  doesn't  need  to  eat  so 
much,  that  hitherto  despised  foods  take  on  a 
pleasantness  that  was  formerly  reserved  for 
highly  spiced  foods,  that  he  doesn't  need  his  pep 
sin  tablet  and  that  he  eagerly  awaits  his  next  meal 
in  order  to  test  the  experiment  once  more,  then 
that  person  has  made  one  good  habit  grow  where 
two  bad  ones  grew  before.  I  know,  because  I 
have  experienced  it. 

These  are  purely  physical  habits.  When  it 
comes  to  rearranging  the  habits  of  the  mind,  just 
think  of  the  countless  opportunities  before  you. 

Instead  of  jotting  down  everything  in  a  little 
memorandum  book,  as  though  you  were  a  walk 
ing  card-index  system,  try  to  remember  an 
appointment,  a  name,  a  date,  an  amount  or  a 
purchase  to  be  made.  The  very  effort  of  trying 
to  remember  it,  even  if  you  forget  it  and  can't 
recollect  just  what  it  was,  will  so  stimulate  your 
mind  along  that  particular  channel  that  the  next 


ON  THE  CONTRACTING  OP  HABITS      45 

time  you  make  a  mental  note  it  will  register  and 
stay  registered.  Try  it  for  yourself.  Don't 
merely  tell  somebody  else  about  it. 

The  habit  of  forgetting  names,  forgetting  faces, 
forgetting  anything  is  sheer  carelessness.  Make 
every  impression  register.  You  often  hear  people 
say  "I  can't  remember  names,"  or  "I  can't  re 
member  faces."  You  would  almost  think  they 
were  boasting  of  an  accomplishment.  They  are 
so  reconciled  to  this  bad  habit  of  their  mind  that 
they  take  it  as  a  sign  of  genius.  It  is  merely  a 
habit  and  can  be  corrected  by  substituting  a  posi 
tive  brain  action  in  place  of  a  brain  inactivity. 

Begin  to  say  "I  never  forget  a  face,"  or  "Re 
membering  names  is  my  hobby."  Repeat  every 
man's  name  in  full,  when  you  meet  him  and  recall 
when  you  saw  him  last,  even  if  it  was  only  the 
day  before.  You  will  be  surprised  how  your  brain 
responds  to  this  acceleration.  It  will  become  a 
fixed  habit  of  the  mind  to  remember.  Once  fixed, 
it  need  never  be  lost. 

Why  go  through  the  list?  Start  with  a  simple 
foible!  Substitute  its  opposite!  Make  a  begin 
ning!  Furnish  your  own  incentive  for  the  first 
one!  No  man  thinks  unless  he  thinks  for  himself. 
It  isn't  real  thinking,  otherwise.  All  thinking  is 
habit.  Thinking  right  is  a  good  habit.  It  will 
never  be  acquired  unless  you  start.  Now  is  the 
only  time. 


ON  NEW  YORK— A  CITY  IN  PROCESS 


ON  NEW  YORK— A  CITY  IN  PROCESS 

T  AM  generally  so  worked  up  after  a  trip  to  New 
A  York  that  it  takes  days  for  me  to  return  to  the 
normal.  Before  my  return  to  that  state,  I  feel 
that  a  transcript  of  my  impressions,  set  down  in 
their  vividness,  may  serve  a  useful  purpose. 

It  has  been  the  general  idea  of  Americans  and 
the  American  press  to  comment  ad  nauseam  upon 
our  biggest  city.  This  has  grown  even  more 
noticeable,  recently. 

Naturally,  one  carries  to  New  York  a  craving  to 
see  some  of  the  many  things  that  our  world- 
metropolis  is  supposed  to  possess.  One  sees  the 
things,  true  enough.  But  of  the  environment, 
almost  nothing  has  been  said.  Honesty  would 
compel  anybody,  not  self-hypnotized,  to  affirm  a 
disappointment  with  which  that  of  a  blind  man, 
accidentally  taken  into  a  movie  show  by  his 
attendant,  will  not  compare.  His  is  merely  neg 
ative  disappointment.  New  York  furnishes  a 
positive  one.  We  are  compelled  to  see  the  show. 

New  York  is  a  six-reel  movie,  with  the  film 
running  backwards,  sideways,  cross-ways,  but 
never  in  sequence.  Nobody  seems  to  be  going 
anywhere,  but  is  in  an  awful  hurry  to  get  there. 

49 


60  ORIGINALITY 

The  idle  rich  work  harder  than  the  idol  wor 
shipping  poor. 

Nothing  is  finished  in  New  York.  Everything 
is  being  done  over.  It  is  a  city  in  transit — rapid, 
near-rapid  and  over  crowded. 

The  buildings  are  either  too  big  or  so  small  that 
they  would  be  a  joke  in  any  country  town's  bus 
iness  center.  Within  two  blocks  of  the  new 
Pennsylvania  station  there  are  a  dozen  buildings 
so  dilapidated  and  mean-looking  that  they  could 
remain  standing  in  Boston  only  if  the  Historical 
Society  placed  bronze  tablets  upon  them  and  had 
them  put  on  the  itinerary  of  the  seeing  Colonial 
Boston  autos. 

The  streets  are  the  worst  in  the  world — in  or 
out  of  the  war  zone.  Between  42nd  street  and 
the  Woolworth  Building,  on  Broadway,  there  isn't 
one  block  out  of  the  sixty  where  the  sidewalk  is 
clear.  Pavements  are  like  rugs,  in  New  York. 
They  have  to  be  taken  up  every  few  days  and 
sent  to  the  cleaner. 

Dirt,  bricks,  lumber,  stone-piles,  contractors' 
offices,  repair  gangs,  bags  of  cement,  mortar  beds, 
unwashed  windows,  signs  without  ceasing,  a 
feverish  jumble — that  is  the  Great  White  Way,  to 
which  George  Cohan's  regards  must  be  given. 

And  the  people  who  inhabit  this  city,  or  infest 
it  rather,  because  it  can't  be  a  habitation,  what 
of  them?  Do  they  redeem  it?  No !  dear  readers, 


ON  NEW  YORK— A  CITY  IN  PROCESS    51 

they  do  not.  They  are  so  busy  trying  to  redeem 
the  mortgages  that  the  landlords  of  New  York 
have  placed  upon  their  souls  that  they  have  no 
personalty  or  personality  left  to  redeem  the  city. 
It  is  beyond  redemption,  so  far  as  they  are  con 
cerned. 

In  vain  does  the  stranger  look  for  the  New 
Yorker  type,  the  man  of  the  classy  magazines. 
Instead  he  sees  nervous,  gaunt-faced  men  by  day, 
and  evening-clothed,  dull-eyed,  prematurely  old 
men  at  night,  hurrying,  hustling,  scrambling, 
rushing,  whither  nobody  knows. 

Search  and  you  search  in  vain  for  the  society 
woman,  the  queens  of  beauty  and  culture  that  the 
Sunday  papers  chronicle  and  our  society  authors 
depict  so  minutely. 

They  are  not.  In  their  stead  you  will  see 
shrimps  of  women,  with  their  wizened  little  faces 
painted  and  powdered,  you  will  see  in  the  noonday 
glare,  fat,  vulgar  women,  over  laden  with  wraps 
that  give  them  an  appearance  of  casks  moving 
in  a  pattering  way  along  the  board  pavements. 
New  York  is  one  endless  plank  sidewalk. 

And  the  bright-faced  boys  of  the  old  Alger 
books.  Where  are  they?  Gone,  with  the  New 
York  of  pre-library,  pre-Equitable  Building,  pre- 
Bus,  pre-tunnel  days.  Their  places  are  taken  by 
boys  who  cry  the  names  of  the  evening  and  morn 
ing  newspapers  in  foreign  tongues.  There  must 


52  ORIGINALITY 

be  some  ordinance  against  an  American-born  boy 
selling  newspapers  in  New  York  City. 

The  city  has  gone  mad  over  merchandise, 
nothing  else  counts.  It  is  the  only  thing  that  can 
interest  a  regular  New  Yorker.  Everything  in 
New  York  is  for  sale,  including  the  honor  of  the 
City  itself.  To  deny  it  would  be  considered  dis 
honorable  on  the  part  of  a  New  Yorker  of  the 
present  day.  Culture  has  been  swallowed  up  by 
barter. 

If  a  bell  boy  at  any  of  the  best  known  New  York 
hotels  were  to  page  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson  in  a 
loud  voice  in  the  breakfast  room,  the  only  com 
ment  that  it  would  create  would  be  the  remark 
from  one  end  of  the  room  to  the  other  "I  wonder 
what  firm  Emerson's  buying  for?" 

New  York  is  unfinished.  But  business  goes  on 
just  the  same.  Business  is  continuous.  Every 
thing  else  in  New  York  is  subservient  to  business. 
If  New  York  would  only  stop  talking  about  its  side 
shows,  its  buildings,  its  Broadway,  its  class,  its 
style,  its  civic  pride,  and  put  a  sign  at  every 
approach: 


BUSINESS    GOING    ON 
DURING  ALTERATIONS 


ON  NEW  YORK— A  CITY  IN  PROCESS    53 

people  would  know  what  to  expect  and  many  out 
side  visitors  would  be  saved  disappointment. 
They  would  figure  that  one  must  put  up  with 
much  inconvenience  during  needed  changes — and 
New  York  surely  needs  a  great  many  changes — 
some  of  which  have  not  yet  been  proposed  by  the 
City  fathers. 


ON  WHY  NOT  YESTERDAY? 


ON  WHY  NOT  YESTERDAY? 

two  weeks  I  have  been  putting  off  some 
thing  of  importance  that  should  be  done. 
This  is  not  the  exception  that  proves  the  rule. 
It  is  the  rule  itself,  and  I  am  determined  that  this 
rule  must  be  changed. 

Why  didn't  I  set  myself  to  the  task  yesterday 
and  do  it?  It  isn't  a  hard  thing  to  do,  once  I 
start  it.  It  is  only  the  starting  that  troubles  and 
this  has  been  a  trouble  of  mine  for  so  many  years 
that  I  am  trying  to  analyze  my  own  failure  in 
the  hope  that  a  correct  analysis  may  help  some 
body  else  who  is  troubled  in  like  manner. 

What  I  should  have  done  yesterday  was  easily 
the  most  important  thing  that  confronted  me  and 
it  is  just  as  important  today.  Therefore,  I  cannot 
offer  the  excuse  that  something  more  important 
intervened.  Such  an  excuse  would  be  unworthy 
of  my  desire  to  be  honest  with  myself. 

The  task  was  not  one  that  should  have  been 
set  off  for  a  more  opportune  time.  Yesterday 
was  the  ideal  time.  But  I  did  something  else. 
The  fact  that  I  can't  find  nearly  as  much  fault 
with  myself  today  for  my  neglect  of  yesterday  as 
I  would  have  found  with  myself  a  few  sears  ago 
for  a  similar  neglect  is  the  reason  wny  I  am 

57 


58  ORIGINALITY 

analyzing  my  condition.  I  am  in  danger.  I  must 
settle,  once  and  for  all,  upon  the  reason  and  make 
it  impossible  for  similar  neglects  to  occur  in  the 
future. 

It  was  not  a  matter  of  routine  that  was  ne 
glected.  I  am  a  slave  to  doing  the  routine  thing 
at  the  routine  time  in  the  routine  way.  Except 
aft  a  routine  thing  is  a  part  of  a  great  routine  plan 
and  that  the  whole  plan  is  affected  by  a  break  in 
the  chain,  I  have  wholesome  contempt  for  routine. 

It  was  an  unusual  thing,  something  bigger  than 
a  routine  thing,  that  I  neglected  to  do — neglected 
to  start.  I  put  off  starting  it  because  I  have 
allowed  myself  to  contract  the  habit  of  deferring 
mental  effort  until  an  artificial  stimulus  starts 
something.  I  have  not  forced  my  habits  to  keep 
pace  with  my  thoughts.  My  will  power  has  habit 
uated  itself  to  trailing  behind  my  imagination. 

Will  somnolence — a  lethargy  of  concentration 
— a  reticence  to  keep  pace  that  I  set  for  myself  a 
few  years  ago,  has  laid  hold  upon  me. 

I  realized  suddenly  that  if  I  allowed  it  to  over 
power  me  I  would  become  one  of  the  self-satisfied 
hack  writers  that  I  have  despised  secretly  as 
lacking  initiative.  Therefore,  if  I  do  not  wish  to 
become  a  hackenyed  writer  I  must  fight  it  and 
fight  it  openly.  I  must  show  that  I  am  not  afraid 
of  it.  Others  have  conquered  it.  I  shall  conquer 
it  by  recognizing  it  as  an  enemy,  putting  it  on  the 


WHY  NOT  YESTERDAY?  59 

defensive  and  starting  at  once  and  continuing 
until  I  have  finished  the  task  that  I  have  neglected 
for  two  weeks. 

Some  may  wonder  what  this  task  may  have 
been  that  has  so  roused  me  to  lay  my  mentality 
bare  before  a  critical  world.  Let  us  have  no 
secrets  from  each  other.  The  confession  of  an 
English  opium  eater  must  not  be  the  only  open- 
minded  confession  in  our  language.  Let  this 
confession  of  mine  be  placed  upon  the  records  in 
all  its  nudity. 

The  task  I  had  set  for  myself  was  to  write  a 
brief  essay  on  mental  laziness,  known  to  students 
aft  procrastination  and  as  the  task  is  now  finished 
I  take  my  leave  of  it,  with  a  profound  feeling  of 
relief.  I  can  now  return  to  routine  work  with  a 
mind  at  peace  with  the  world. 


ON  THE  COMPETENT 


ON  THE  COMPETENT 

THHE  competent  must  fight  without  help.  No 
aid  societies  collect  for  them — no  relief  Com 
mittees  take  cognizance  of  their  needs. 

They  can  be  discouraged,  they  can  be  in  debt, 
they  can  be  ready  to  give  up  the  struggle,  but  no 
life-preserver  is  thrown  to  them.  They  must 
either  sink  or  swim  on  their  own  resources.  It 
is  one  of  the  essentials  of  competency  that  it  must 
take  care  of  itself. 

Stupidity,  degeneracy,  incapacity,  viciousness, 
all  receive  their  quota  of  help  from  every  source. 
The  drunken  reporter  is  excused  for  falling  down 
in  his  assignments — the  dope-fiends  are  cared  for 
by  the  authorities — the  stupid  men  in  public  life 
are  aided  by  everyone  and  in  many  instances 
have  been  known  to  run  along  for  years,  hiding 
their  stupidity,  covering  up  their  utter  lack  of 
initiative. 

But  those  who  can — the  competent,  the  think 
ers,  the  men  or  the  women  with  vision,  talent  or 
capacity — must  fight  for  every  inch  of  ground, 
must  pay  in  their  heart's  blood  for  every  ounce 
of  success. 

And  the  reason?  Why!  there  isn't  any  reason 
for  it.  It  simply  is  so.  Watch  a  crowd  of  men 

63 


64  ORIGINALITY 

rush  to  lift  up  a  fallen  drunkard  from  the  side 
walk,  see  the  subscriptions  that  pour  into  every 
request  for  aid  for  people  unknown  to  the  donors, 
and  then  check  up  the  men  who  have  been  com 
pelled  to  fight  discouragement,  ill-luck  and  pov 
erty  even  with  the  talent  and  the  genius  of  a 
Mozart,  a  Michael  Angelo  or  a  Tolstoi  at  their 
command. 

Competency  may  be  overlooked  but  it  never  is 
a  beggar.  It  is  too  proud.  It  is  a  thing  in  itself 
— always  was  and  always  will  be.  It  stands  or 
falls — a  complete  structure,  leaning  on  nothing, 
asking  nothing  but  the  right  to  do. 

Competency  is.    We  can  say  no  more. 


ON  CHAMBERS  OF  COMMERCE 


ON  CHAMBERS  OP  COMMERCE 

A  CHAMBER  OP  COMMERCE  is  one  of  the 
growths  of  American  life  that  is  peculiar  in 
many  respects.  So  far  as  I  am  aware,  no  Cham 
ber  of  Commerce  ever  had  anything  to  do  with 
Commerce.  To  a  great  extent  a  Chamber  of 
Commerce  is  as  free  from  Commerce  as  a  Board 
of  Trade  is  from  Trade. 

I  presume  that  the  first  Chamber  of  Commerce 
was  organized  as  a  joke.  Some  jocose  one  said 
to  a  few  kindred  spirits,  "Whillikins  isn't  any  too 
busy,  lately.  Why  not  start  a  Chamber  of  Com 
merce  and  make  him  President?" 

Like  many  another  careless  remark,  turned 
loose  to  wander  forever  in  the  realms  of  telepathy, 
this  one  started  on  its  way. 

"Why  not!"  says  the  second  Village  Jokester, 
so  The  Bollweville  Chamber  of  Commerce  was 
organized.  Whillikins  falls  in  with  the  idea  as  it 
gives  him  a  title  and  Mrs.  Whilikins  jumps  at  it 
because  it  smacks  of  social  advancement.  When 
the  organizers  find  that  Whillikins  intends  to  have 
handsome  embossed  stationery  and  an  office  over 
the  hardware  emporium,  they  decide  that  it  might 
be  a  good  plan  to  have  a  full  list  of  officers.  Not 

67 


68  ORIGINALITY 

caring  to  breed  jealousy  among  the  organizers, 
they  decide  to  give  them  all  the  same  title,  so 
there  come  into  being  about  thirty  Honorary 
Vice-Presidents,  which  exhausts  the  list  of  all  the 
organizers.  That  accounts  for  the  big  lists  of 
Honorary  Vice-Presidents  in  all  Chambers  of 
Commerce. 

It  was  observed,  shortly  after  the  organization 
of  the  Bollweville  C.  of  C.  that  nobody  cared  to 
join  unles  he  was  given  a  title,  so  a  Board  of 
Directors  came  to  pass.  As  the  joke,  or  rather  as 
the  Chamber  began  to  grow,  it  was  necessary,  in 
order  to  keep  down  the  engraving  bills,  to  put  all 
new  members  on  Committees,  with  permission  to 
tell  their  friends  who  were  not  members.  Mean 
time  a  Secretary  and  an  Assistant  Secretary  had 
duly  become  planted  in  permanent  quarters  in  an 
inside  office,  these  being  the  paid  or  reason-why 
officials  of  the  Chamber. 

Years  after  the  first  Chamber  of  Commerce  was 
organized  and  most  of  the  Charter  members  had 
either  died  natural  deaths  or  laughed  themselves 
into  premature  graves  at  the  joke  they  had  per- 
pertrated  on  the  town,  strange  business  men  be 
gan  to  come  and  do  business.  Not  that  the 
Chamber  of  Commerce  had  sent  for  them.  Cer 
tainly  not.  It  is  one  of  the  fundamental  rules  of 
every  well  conducted  Chamber  of  Commerce  that 
they  will  never  send  for  anybody  or  anything. 


ON  CHAMBERS  OF  COMMERCE    69 

Dignity  is  the  basic  principle  of  all  C's  of  C.  So 
the  strangers,  being  a  jolly  lot,  mistook  the  Cham 
ber  of  Commerce  for  a  bunch  of  highbrows  or 
austere  standoffs,  and  organized  a  Business  Men's 
Association. 

Everybody  was  eligible,  from  the  owner  of  the 
Hardware  Store  up  to  the  owner  of  the  White 
House  Lunch,  up  indicating  the  hill  at  the  other 
end  of  Main  Street  from  the  Hardware  Store 
where  the  White  House  Lunch  nightly  was  driven 
by  Freeman  Bently,  Egg  and  Coffee  Specialist. 
Naturally,  the  Business  Men's  Association  soon 
began  to  assume  proportions  as  you  might  say. 

More  as  a  narrative,  rather  than  in  the  form 
of  an  essay,  we  must  rapidly  chronicle  the  big 
dinner  of  the  Business  Men's  Association  at  the 
Bollweville  House,  the  nomination,  election  to 
membership,  issuing  of  certificates  and  mailing 
of  same,  all  in  one  evening  of  John  D.  Rockefeller, 
Frank  Vanderlip,  J.  Pierpont  Morgan,  Henry  Ford, 
Warren  G.  Harding,  William  Jennings  Bryan  and 
the  Governors  of  all  the  known  states  of  the 
Union,  with  a  story  of  same  in  the  Gazette.  Fol 
low  the  Executive  Meeting  of  the  Chamber  of 
Commerce  and  the  overtures  to  the  officers  of  the 
Business  Men's  Association  to  consolidate,  the 
real  reason  being  jealousy  but  the  reason  given  to 
the  press  being  "Co-operation  and  the  fact  that 
the  Chamber  has  outgrown  its  old  quarters  and 


70  ORIGINALITY 

is  going  to  build  a  new  building  of  its  own,  fitted 
in  every  way  to  its  great  work." 

Nothing  can  stop  a  Chamber  of  Commerce  that 
has  consolidated  a  few  times  with  other  bodies  of 
a  like  uselessness.  It  always  builds  a  building 
and  names  it  after  itself.  It  has  become  a  fixed 
institution.  By  holding  adverse  possession  for 
more  than  20  years,  it  has  reached  a  legal  position 
that  is  unimpeachable.  All  the  hotairian  rights 
now  run  with  it.  In  fact  it  is  just  as  safe  and  just 
as  permanent  a  fixture  in  the  public  mind  as  the 
idea  that  a  Public  Service  Commission  has  some 
thing  to  do  with  improving  the  services  of  Public 
Service  Corporations. 

Thus  we  are  confronted  with  determining  upon 
a  general  definition  of  a  Chamber  of  Commerce 
for  future  reference.  The  following  is  submitted, 
subject  of  course  to  the  approval  of  the  "Com 
mittee  of  125  on  additions  to  or  subtractions  from 
the  By-Laws,"  at  the  next  subsequent  meeting 
thereafter. 

A  Chamber  of  Commerce  is  an  unwieldy  body 
of  men  who  are  totally  averse  to  any  increase  in 
Commerce,  divided  into  political,  social  and  re 
ligious  cliques  and  whose  main  object  in  life 
appears  to  an  outsider  to  consist  of  welcoming  the 
incoming  and  speeding  the  parting  President  at  a 
dinner  that  taxes  the  capacity  alike  of  the  diners 
and  the  main  dining  room  of  the  leading  Hotel. 


ON  CHAMBERS  OF  COMMERCE    71 

One  thing  can  be  said  for  a  Chamber  of  Com 
merce  and  nobody  will  deny  it.  The  bigger  it 
becomes,  the  better.  The  idea  is  this.  A  small 
Chamber  of  Commerce  might  work  untold  harm 
in  a  Community  because  it  might  be  taken 
seriously.  But  a  great,  big  overgrown  Chamber 
of  Commerce  can't  hurt  anybody  because  "too 
many  people  are  next,"  as  the  slang  writers  have 
it,  meaning  the  enjoyment  of  close  mental  juxta 
position. 

So,  if  you  would  save  your  city,  join  your 
Chamber  of  Commerce.  The  joke  is  on  you,  true 
enough,  but  what's  the  harm?  The  Secretary 
and  his  Assistant  have  to  be  paid  in  order  to  keep 
all  the  membership  cards  up  to  date  so  that  vis 
itors  can  be  told  that  "The  Bollweville  Chamber 
of  Commerce  is  now  the  largest  in  America  east 
of  the  Connecticut  River." 


ON  OVER-ENTHUSIASM 


ON  OVER-ENTHUSIASM 

HPHE  tendency  to  over-enthusiasm  has  so  many 
forms  that  I  will  not  attempt  to  touch  except 
illustratively  upon  it.  From  a  purely  mental 
standpoint  it  generally  consists  of  an  indiscrimi 
nate  use  of  adjectives,  expletives  and  modifiers 
of  various  kinds. 

I  know  certain  men  who  go  to  the  wildest  ex 
tremes  in  their  enthusiasm  of  the  moment.  If  it 
is  an  editorial  that  has  attracted  their  attention, 
it  isn't  a  mere  editorial  when  they  hand  it  over 
for  your  educational  benefit,  it  is  "by  all  odds  the 
finest  editorial  I  have  ever  read"  or  the  tender  is 
prefaced  with  some  such  remark  as  "I  want  you 
to  read  this  editorial.  If  you  don't  say  it  settles 
the  question  beyond  the  shadow  of  a  doubt,  I  shall 
be  everlastingly  surprised." 

With  all  this  preliminary  adulation  you  natur 
ally  expect  to  find  an  editorial  bristling  with 
points  and  reeking  with  research  and  profundity. 
But  you  are  surprised  to  read  an  ordinary,  wishy- 
washy  statement  with  which  you  don't  agree  and 
as  for  the  question  being  settled  beyond  the 
shadow  of  a  doubt,  while  you  are  quite  willing  to 
agree  that  the  editorial  settles  the  question  pos 
itively,  it  settles  it  contrary  to  the  hopes  and 

75 


76  ORIGINALITY 

wishes  of  the  editor.  In  fact  it  settles  in  a  sort  of 
reverse  English,  as  Willie  Hoppe  might  say. 

The  next  day  you  meet  your  over-enthusiastic 
friend  and  this  time  he  is  voluntary  advance  man 
for  a  new  restaurant  that  he  has  discovered  in 
the  market  district.  It  is  always  in  the  market 
district  or  some  out  of  the  way  spot.  You  simply 
must  go  with  him  as  his  guest  to  this  restaurant. 
"Talk  about  your  roast  beef!  Wow!  Wow!  wait 
till  you  get  a  slab  of  the  beef  they  serve  at  this 
place.  No  style,  understand.  Plain,  like  the  ser 
vice  at  the  front  in  the  European  War  Zone,  but 
clean.  Everything  is  put  into  the  quality  of  the 
beef,  etc.  etc." 

Naturally  you  yield  and  follow  him.  Through 
a  labyrinth  of  streets,  alleys  and  short  cuts. 
Past  sidewalks  piled  high  with  fruits  and  veg 
etables.  Finally,  up  a  long  flight  of  stairs,  each 
one  with  an  overhang  of  corrugated  metal  on  it 
that  nearly  trips  you  at  every  step,  and  then  to  the 
restaurant  plus. 

Exuding  appologia  at  everything  that  seems  to 
displease  you,  Mr.  Enthusiasm  leads  you  to  a  table 
and  flourishes  you  into  the  seat.  "Roast  beef  for 
two,"  he  says  to  the  waitress,  and  then  continues 
his  apology  monolog  for  the  surroundings,  but 
dilates  upon  the  treat  in  viands  that  is  soon  to  be 
yours.  Comes  the  beef.  (Please  note  the  new 
style  of  expression,  introduced  to  show  that  other 


ON  OVER-ENTHUSIASM  77 

authors  have  no  copyright  on  this  rhetorical 
bunk.)  Descends  the  knife.  Likewise  the  fork . . . 

Well !  you  should  have  known  better.  After  the 
editorial  incident  you  should  have  been  able  to 
guess  well  ahead  that  adjectives  do  not  create 
roasts  of  beef.  This  beef  that  you  have  tackled 
is  surely  meat  for  repentance.  Not  con  beef, 
exactly,  but  scarcely  a  beef,  as  Bacon  said,  of 
some  kinds  of  books,  "to  be  chewed  and  digested." 

Sorrowfully  you  are  reminded  of  the  story  of  a 
young  actor  who  played  a  Western  town.  The 
show  wasn't  very  well  received.  In  talking  with 
the  hotel  clerk  after  the  performance  the  actor 
said,  "They  didn't  warm  up  very  much,  tonight." 

"Didn't?"  answered  the  clerk.  "Well!  that  is 
a  common  thing  here,  lately.  Nine  times  out  of 
ten  the  press  agent  is  better  than  the  show." 

Over-enthusiasm  is  fatal  to  the  delivery  of  the 
goods.  Over-enthusiasm  of  one's  own  ability  in 
salesmanship  or  any  line  of  productivity  is  sure 
tc  be  checked  up. 

It  starts  with  a  slight  exaggeration.  Later  it 
becomes  a  habit.  Finally  it  becomes  a  fixed  rule 
of  conduct  and  in  the  end  it  so  dominates  one's 
mode  of  life  that  he  will  spend  more  time  in  use 
less  enthusiastic  outbursts  than  he  spends  in 
those  activities  on  which  his  livelihood  depends. 
He  consolidates  his  side  show  with  his  big  show 
by  moving  the  main  tent  into  the  place  where  the 


78  ORIGINALITY 

tatooed  man  and  the  armless  wonder  should  be 
the  main  attractions. 

Joking  aside,  this  over-enthusiasm  for  every 
thing  from  a  Symphony  concert  down  to  the  third 
number  of  a  new  movie  reel  that  exploits  the  utter 
stupidity  of  a  band  of  murderers,  is  a  blight  upon 
our  civilization.  It  must  be  stopped,  at  once,  or 
language  will  not  pass  at  its  face  value  at  the 
mint  of  intelligence. 

"How  can  it  be  stopped?"  you  ask.  Well!  as 
a  mere  suggestion  I  offer  this  solution. 

First,  stop  it  yourself.  Second,  ask  your 
friends  to  stop  it.  Third,  I  will  stop  it. 

So  far  as  I  am  concerned  I  end  "over- 
enthusiasm,"  right  here. 


ON  MEN  OP  MYSTERY 


ON  MEN  OF  MYSTERY 

T^OR  fear  that  you  may  be  misled  by  the  title 
of  this  little  etude,  I  assure  you  in  the  opening 
paragraph,  that  it  is  not  my  intent  to  lead  you 
into  the  realms  of  the  occult.  But  I  would,  with 
your  kindly  indulgence,  unburden  myself  of  a  life 
long  contempt  that  I  have  held  for  certain  people 
who  shroud  the  commonplace  with  mystery  and 
who  draw  a  veil  of  utter  secrecy  over  the  beautiful 
face  of  lucidity. 

In  the  vernacular  of  the  burlesque  houses  I  ask 
"where  do  they  get  this  stuff?"  It  surely  is  a 
mystery  to  me,  to  most  everybody  else  and  I  am 
not  quite  sure  but  to  the  mysterious  ones,  them 
selves. 

While  these  Secret  Service  exemplars  generally 
exercise  their  talents  at  all  seasons  of  the  year, 
it  is  in  political  contests  that  they  show  to  the 
greatest  advantage.  Whether  it  is  in  the  election 
of  a  Governor,  a  Mayor,  an  Alderman  or  in  the 
settlement  of  a  great  question  involving  liberties 
of  half  the  human  race — woman  suffrage — it 
matters  not  to  the  mysterious  ones.  They  will 
avoid  the  direct,  speak  only  in  parables  and  im 
plore  you  "not  to  breath  a  word  of  it,"  while 

81 


82  ORIGINALITY 

keeping  you  thoroughly  in  the  dark  as  to  what 
it  refers. 

I  know  one  of  these  mystery  purveyors  who  is 
so  saturated  with  "inside  camouflage"  that  it 
effects  his  carriage.  He  sways  his  shoulders  as 
he  walks,  with  a  sort  of  Hawaiian  dance  motion. 
This  is  accentuated  by  covert  glances  from  side  to 
side  as  a  sort  of  optical  accompaniment  to  his 
shoulder  song.  Tripping  lightly  along  on  the 
balls  of  his  feet,  he  meets  an  acquaintance,  or 
victim. 

"Hello  Ben!"  says  the  victim,  "how  is  Gloss 
coming  out,  next  Tuesday?"  Being  interested  in 
politics,  he  puts  a  direct  question.  But  does  he 
get  a  direct  answer?  He  certainly  does  not. 
Ben  is  a  "mysterious"  person.  He  hasn't  given 
a  direct  answer  to  anybody,  anywhere,  anytime 
to  any  question  since  he  failed  to  pass  the  en 
trance  exams  to  the  village  High  School. 

Acquaintance  is  waiting  for  an  answer.  Ben 
looks  all  around  the  vicinity.  He  evidently  is 
afraid  that  he  is  being  shadowed.  He  grips  his 
victim  by  the  lapels  of  his  coat.  He  makes  as 
though  to  speak,  changes  his  mind,  takes  another 
survey  of  the  location  and  drags  his  prey  about 
ten  feet  to  the  left.  Indoors  or  outdoors,  the 
same  formula  is  used.  The  victim  never  finds 
fault.  Isn't  he  going  to  get  the  "straight  dope" 
right  from  headquarters. 


ON  MEN  OF  MYSTERY  83 

With  his  man  safely  planted,  Ben  takes  yet  one 
more  flitting  panoramic  view  of  his  new  field  of 
operations  and  whispers  in  a  low  tone,  "What  do 
you  hear?" 

Just  imagine  the  disappointment  anybody  feels 
after  all  these  maneouvers  to  receive  a  question 
when  an  answer  was  expected!  But  that  is  about 
all  that  these  mystery  mines  yield.  They  assay 
about  60  per  cent  mystery  and  the  rest  pure  fake. 
They  yield  nothing  of  a  real  marketable  value  at 
the  smelter.  They  have  never  even  been  salted 
with  good  ore.  They  are  absolutely  valueless. 

I  have  participated  as  publicity  advisor  in  many 
campaigns,  some  of  considerable  importance. 
Every  one  of  these  campaigns  had  its  army  of 
mysterious  ones  always  on  the  job.  They  filled 
the  headquarters  with  an  atmosphere  of  stealth. 
Their  voices  were  always  pitched  in  a  stage 
whisper.  It  was  "Sh!  sh"  here  and  "Sh!  sh" 
there.  They  would  pop  their  heads  inside  the 
door,  take  a  mental  inventory  of  the  room,  beckon 
to  me  with  a  backward  jerk  of  the  head  to  indicate 
that  I  must  see  them  outside  in  the  corridor. 

Somehow  I  always  hated  to  offend  them  and  I 
invariably  responded.  The  sum  total  of  all  I  ever 
learned  from  the  entire  mystery  squad  could  be 
contained  in  the  following  composite  question, 
thrown  at  me  in  a  throaty  tremolo. 


84  ORIGINALITY 

"Did  you  see  the  statement  that  so-and-so  had 
in  the  Chronicle?" 

Did  I  see  it?  Naturally,  having  worked  hours 
in  writing  it  and  having  spent  more  hours  with 
reporters  and  editors  in  order  to  have  it  appear. 
But  why  waste  time?  I  answer  "yes",  in  order 
to  get  back  to  work,  and  Mr.  Scotland  Yard  looks 
wise  and  puts  two  fingers  of  his  left  hand  to  his 
lips,  as  if  to  caution  me  against  going  too  far. 

"Nothing  else  you  want  to  say  to  me?"  he  asks. 

"No!"  I  reply. 

"See  you  this  afternoon  then.  Don't  let  any 
body  know  that  we  talked  this  over,"  and  he 
disappears. 

You  might  not  believe  that  these  are  concrete 
examples  of  the  way  some  men  behave  in  politics. 
But  the  examples  are  just  as  concrete  as  the 
heads  of  the  men  involved. 

Not  one  or  two,  but  shoals  of  them,  all  mystery 
and  no  solution.  Over  the  phone,  letters  abso 
lutely  meaningless,  childish  references  to  the 
most  obvious  happenings  as  though  dire  happen 
ings  were  to  follow. 

At  first  I  was  unable  to  understand  it.  Later 
it  began  to  dawn  upon  me.  Now  I  see  the  light. 
I  shall  never  be  fooled  again.  These  men  of  mys 
tery  are  the  men  who  elect  candidates.  That  is 
why  they  have  to  be  mysterious.  No  candidate 
can  fight  out  in  the  open  and  win.  He  must  be 


ON  MEN  OF  MYSTERY  85 

obscured  in  the  shadow  of  Teutonic  Diplomacy 
or  else  he  is  destined  to  defeat.  So  the  mys 
terious  maurauder  who  couldn't  deliver  his  own 
vote.  He  carries  the  mystery  of  the  campaign 
into  every  successful  candidate's  office  after  his 
inauguration  and  mysteriously  get  a  fat  job  and 
holds  it  in  a  most  mysterious  fashion. 

If  you  don't  believe  me,  ask  any  recent  Govern 
or  or  Mayor  what  was  the  reason  for  appointing 
any  of  the  men  whom  he  appointed.  He  will  tell 
you  "Sh!  sh!  I  can't  give  you  the  real  reason,  but 
he  did  some  great  inside  work  for  the  party." 

You  think  I  am  exaggerating  the  kind  of  men 
who  are  rewarded  with  political  appointments. 
Ask  any  one  of  them,  the  next  time  you  meet  him 
what  time  it  is?  If  he  doesn't  make  you  step  ten 
paces  to  the  left  and  whisper  it  into  your  ear,  with 
a  mysterious  wink  indicative  of  profound  secrecy, 
then  you  may  rest  assured  that  he  won't  last  out 
his  term.  His  health  is  being  undermined  with 
the  enormous  work  of  his  position.  He  isn't  a 
regular.  One  season  will  see  his  finish. 

And  by  the  way,  now  that  we  have  finished  this 
matter,  please  don't  tell  anybody  else  about  it! 
Let's  keep  it  a  secret.  You  know,  "Sh!  Sh!" 


ON  THE  BUSY  BUSINESS  MAN 


ON  THE  BUSY  BUSINESS  MAN 

HPHE  President  of  the  largest  bank  in  Boston  is 
the  most  easily  approached  of  any  financial 
man  in  the  city.  The  Presidents  of  numerous 
dinky  little  banks  and  trust  companies  can't  be 
seen  by  anybody  except  after  running  the  gaunt 
let  of  two  or  more  secretaries.  You  can  walk 
right  into  the  office  of  the  most  influential  man  in 
New  England,  without  the  formality  of  sending  in 
a  card  or  even  knocking  at  a  closed  door.  The 
door  of  his  office  is  open,  the  way  is  clear,  you  can 
see  whether  he  is  engaged  with  somebody  else, 
when  common  politeness  will  hold  you  back. 
Otherwise  you  may  enter  and  state  your  business. 
The  advertising  manager  of  the  largest  circu 
lated  morning  paper  in  America  sits  at  a  desk 
where  anybody  can  speak  to  him,  without  leaving 
the  public  business  office  of  the  paper.  But  to 
see  the  advertising  manager  of  the  scrawniest 
sheet  in  Boston  requires  an  official  appointment, 
days  in  advance.  I  have  often  wondered  if  some 
of  the  enormous  advertising  business  that  appears 
in  the  big  papers  wasn't  business  that  somebody 
had  really  intended  placing  in  the  scrawny  little 
paper  but  had  found  it  impossible  to  reach  the 
advertising  manager  and  give  him  the  order. 

89 


90  ORIGINALITY 

The  manager  of  the  store  that  does  the  largest 
retail  business  of  any  store  in  Boston  can  be  seen 
by  anybody  who  thinks  he  has  business  with  him, 
inside  of  half  a  minute  after  leaving  the  elevator 
at  the  office  floor,  unless  he  is  occupied  with 
somebody  else.  The  fact  that  you  are  waiting 
generally  speeds  up  the  interview  of  the  one 
ahead.  The  door  is  open  so  that  the  manager's 
time  is  not  needlessly  taken  up.  But  at  a  little 
retail  store  across  the  street,  which  does  less  than 
one  per  cent  of  the  big  firm's  volume  of  business, 
you  will  have  to  send  in  a  history  of  your  life  by 
a  fresh  office  boy,  be  interrogated  by  an  equally 
fresh  secretary  and  be  compelled  to  wait  in  soli 
tary  confinement  for  hours  before  "Mr.  Small  will 
see  you." 

Having  run  into  this  peculiar  phase  of  business 
life  on  many  occasions,  I  began  to  give  it  more 
than  a  cursory  thought.  Why  is  it  that  the  really 
big  and  successful  men  are  so  informal  and  the 
little  inconsequential  men  so  pompous?  The  big 
men  never  appear  so  busy  that  they  can't  attend 
to  business.  But  the  little  men  are  invariably  so 
"busy"  that  they  make  it  impossible  for  one  to 
explain  his  business  in  a  business-like  way  and 
complete  it. 

After  all,  the  answer  is  not  complicated.  It  has 
nothing  to  do  with  the  amount  of  business  that 
any  of  these  men  are  handling.  It  is  purely  a 


THE  BUSY  BUSINESS  MAN  91 

psychological  problem  and  requires  a  psychologi 
cal  answer. 

A  big  man  in  business  is  no  different  from  a  big 
man  in  any  other  walk  of  life.  He  is  a  big  man 
and  requires  no  outside  evidences  to  prove  it.  He 
is  sure  of  himself.  He  needs  no  secretary  to  tell 
you  he  is  busy.  His  position,  his  own  assurance 
of  his  bigness  tells  it  to  you.  He  knows  you  or 
anybody  else  will  not  try  to  occupy  his  time, 
needlessly.  But  a  man  of  small  calibre  in  bus 
iness  is  no  different  from  a  small  calibre  man  in 
any  other  activity.  He  is  anxious  to  impress 
upon  the  world  a  capacity  that  he  doesn't  possess. 
So  he  starts  with  his  secretary.  He  is  afraid  to 
appear  not  busy  to  his  secretary.  That  would  be 
fatal.  So  he  is  always  looking  over  invoices,  bills 
of  lading,  market  reports  or  "talking  with  heads 
of  departments."  This  latter  is  generally  his  last 
resort.  He  wrants  the  secretary  to  tell  the  bus 
iness  world  that  "Mr.  Small  is  the  busiest  man  in 
town." 

So  you  suffer,  and  wait,  and  look  at  your  watch, 
and  read  your  newspaper  and  count  the  letters 
on  the  door  and  make  up  all  the  words  you  can 
spell  from  PRIVATE  OFFICE,  and  think  what  you 
are  going  to  order  for  lunch,  and  go  to  sleep,  and 
look  at  your  watch  again  and  finally  see  "Mr. 
Small"  and  learn  only  too  late  that  all  your  time 
has  been  wasted.  He  isn't  making  any  change 


92  ORIGINALITY 

until  the  middle  of  next  year  as  "his  policy  has 
been  thoroughly  outlined  and  he  never  changes 
his  policy"  and  "if  you  will  see  him  in  six  months 
he  will  be  glad  to  talk  it  over  with  you." 

And  the  funny  part  of  it  is  that  you,  your  very 
self,  are  surprised  when  you  read  in  the  news 
paper  among  "Business  troubles"  that  "The  Small 
Company  has  gone  into  the  hands  of  a  receiver," 
a  few  weeks  after  the  visit  when  you  were  told 
that  "our  policy  is  outlined  for  the  next  six 
months."  * 


ON  DISTRIBUTION 


ON  DISTRIBUTION 

1T\ON'T  be  alarmed.  I  am  not  going  to  read  you 
a  lecture  on  the  Distribution  of  Wealth  or 
even  on  the  Distribution  of  Intelligence.  They 
will  always  be  distributed  unevenly.  But  the 
distribution  of  merchandise  is  a  question  that 
needs  an  answer  if  any  economic  question  does. 

I  am  of  the  firm  opinion  that  there  is  more 
waste  because  of  the  complexity  and  inefficiency 
of  distribution  than  in  any  other  economic  phase 
of  our  existence. 

Let  us  reduce  distribution  to  a  few  concrete 
cases,  easily  understood  and  see  if  we  can't  offer 
a  few  suggestions. 

A  manufacturer  of  ladies'  coats  in  New  York 
City  sells  a  number  of  his  coats  to  Jones,  Smith 
or  Brown  in  Boston.  He  sells  these  coats  at 
$21.50  each.  This  cost  represents  the  actual 
value  of  the  cotton,  buttons,  designing,  sewing 
on  the  machines,  trimmings,  linings,  labor  on  all 
these  essentials  in  their  natural  and  finished 
states  and  a  profit  for  everybody  as  the  coats 
come  through  the  varied  processes. 

Delivered  into  my  house  from  the  store,  for 
somebody  to  wear,  there  will  be  nothing  more  of 
value  added  to  one  of  these  coats.  Even  the 

95 


96  ORIGINALITY 

name  of  the  store  has  been  sewed  into  the  neck 
band  by  the  manufacturer.  But  when  that  $21.50 
coat  reaches  my  house,  the  price  to  me  is  $42.50 
or  more,  generally  an  advance  of  over  100  per  cent 
above  the  entire  cost  of  receiving  the  coat  onto 
the  floor  at  Jones',  Smith's  or  Brown's. 

The  operator  in  the  factory,  asking  for  a  raise 
of  25  cents  a  coat  for  sewing  it,  the  advance  of 
2  cents  on  the  transportation  of  the  coat  from 
New  York  to  Boston  on  the  part  of  the  New 
Haven  or  the  Boston  &  Albany  road  are  worthy 
of  front-page  news  stories,  but  they  don't  effect 
the  price  of  the  coat  one  per  cent. 

You  have  heard  a  great  deal  about  the  United 
Shoe  Machinery  Company  as  a  Trust  that  fed  on 
the  heart's  blood  of  the  public.  Buy  a  pair  of 
$15  shoes  at  any  retail  store  in  Boston  and  you 
are  paying  into  the  United  Shoe  Machinery  about 
20  cents  to  25  cents  royalty.  The  entire  cost  of 
manufacturing  is  around  $7.  The  rest  goes  to 
the  retailer. 

Read  some  morning  in  the  papers  that  beef  has 
been  jumped  $1.00  a  hundred  pounds  in  Chicago 
by  the  beef-trust  always  "the  trust,"  although  the 
real  name  is  Swift  &  Co.,  Cudahy  or  Armour. 
The  cost  of  the  beef  should  thus  be  1  cent  more 
per  pound  to  the  butcher,  when  his  present  stock 
is  exhausted. '  But  does  he  wait  until  his  present 
stock  is  gone  before  he  advances  his  price?  He 


ON  DISTRIBUTION  97 

does  not.  He  does  it  as  soon  as  he  hears  the 
news. 

Does  he  advance  his  prices  1  cent  a  pound,  as 
the  packers  have  done?  He  does  not.  He  jumps 
the  price  several  cents  and  utters  terrible  things 
about  the  heartlessness  of  "the  trust,"  while  in 
wardly  reckoning  up  the  extra  profit  on  your 
order. 

When  the  restaurant  or  hotel-man  gets  the  news, 
he  is  at  a  disadvantage,  but  only  temporarily, 
nothing  keeps  him  at  a  disadvantage  very  long. 
If  it  is  general  news  that  meat  has  been  advanced 
in  Chicago,  it  will  be  all  right  to  jump  the  prices 
on  the  menu.  It  would  be  an  insult  to  his  patrons 
to  add  1  cent  to  an  order  for  steak  or  beef,  al 
though  that  is  the  added  cost  per  pound  to  him 
and  he  doesn't  serve  a  pound  in  an  order.  So  he 
adds  10  cents  to  the  order  or  1000  per  cent  more 
than  the  Chicago  packers  have  added. 

But  nobody  complains  of  the  restaurant  man  or 
the  hotel  proprietor.  The  day  of  the  advance  in 
prices  at  the  hotel  two  intelligent  business  men 
sit  down  to  dinner.  "What's  this?"  asks  No.  1, 
"An  order  of  beef  gone  up  from  75  cents  to  85 
cents?" 

"Sure,"  remarks  No.  2,  "I  read  in  the  morning 
paper  that  beef  is  up  a  dollar  in  Chicago." 

"The  robbers!"  answers  No.  1,  reconciled.  "I 
wish  the  Federal  Government  would  get  at  the 


98  ORIGINALITY 

bottom  of  this  Beef  Trust.  They'll  ruin  us  if  we 
don't  look  out." 

Please  don't  understand  me  as  holding  blame 
less  the  clothing  manufacturer,  the  railroad,  the 
Shoe  Machinery  Syndicate  or  the  beef  packers, 
but  they  are  no  more  responsible  for  the  high  re 
tail  prices  of  merchandise  than  I  am.  I  don't 
know  but  that  a  careful  analysis  of  these  few 
sources  that  I  cite  might  show  that  they  have 
reduced  the  wholesale  costs  of  manufactured 
products.  The  point  is  quite  clearly  shown  that 
the  shifting  prices  at  wholesale  are  not  honestly 
reflected  at  retail. 

If  the  National  Biscuit  Company  reduces  its 
prices  5  percent,  the  retail  price  of  Uneeda  Crack 
ers  stays  at  8  cents.  But  if  the  Boston  &  Maine 
railroad  jumps  the  transportation  charge  2  cents 
a  can  for  a  10-quart  can  of  milk,  the  price  of  milk 
automatically  goes  up  1  cent  a  quart  all  over 
Boston. 

If  the  retailers  made  a  net  profit  that  these 
illustrations  indicate,  they  would  all  be  million 
aires  in  short  order.  But  the  fact  is  that  most  of 
these  excessive  charges  are  wasted. 

Excessive  rents,  excessive  clerk  hire,  necessi 
tated  by  rush  hours  in  stores  and  markets,  a  low 
volume  of  business  per  day,  when  averaged  over 
the  entire  year,  puts  a  tax  of  100  per  cent  for 
distribution  upon  all  goods  consumed  by  the 


ON  DISTRIBUTION  99 

public,  whether  automobiles,  furniture,  groceries, 
clothing,  milk  or  medicine. 

We  have  not  yet  reduced  retailing  to  a  science. 
It  is  in  a  crude  state.  It  is  more  heartless  than 
the  most  cold-blooded  trust.  It  will  not  be 
attacked  by  the  newspapers  because  they  are  kept 
alive  by  the  retailers'  advertising.  Without  re 
tailers'  advertising,  no  big  newspaper  could  live 
a  year.  So  they  point  the  finger  of  scorn  at  the 
Beef  Trust  and  the  Biscuit  Trust  for  advancing 
prices  5  eer  cent,  while  the  big  retail  advertisers 
are  taking  more  from  the  public  than  all  the 
others  put  together,  and  they  put  absolutely  no 
value  into  the  goods.  All  they  do  is  distribute 
them. 

We  must  learn  how  to  retail  our  merchandise. 
The  U.  S.  parcel-post  has  helped  out  considerably. 
But  the  field  of  retail  distribution  is  a  hard  one  to 
center  public  attention  upon,  as  the  great  public 
medium,  the  newspapers,  are  tied  hands  and  feet. 

We  must  explain  to  the  big  retailers  themselves, 
the  need  of  concentrated  effort  along  better  lines 
and  when  the  newspapers  find  out  that  their  ad 
vertisers  are  willing  to  have  the  entire  intelligence 
of  the  public  centered  on  the  problem  of  Distribu 
tion,  then  we  will  get  somewhere.  Otherwise  it 
is  to  be  a  slow  process. 


ON  FAKE  ADVERTISING 


ON  FAKE  ADVERTISING 

years  various  organizations  have  tried  to 
stop  advertising  that  misrepresented  the  value 
of  the  article  advertised.  These  organizations 
were  voluntary  organizations  and  in  nearly  every 
instance  they  produced  excellent  results.  At 
least  they  threw  a  moral  scare  into  the  fake 
advertiser. 

The  strange  thing  about  it  is  that  it  was  nec 
essary  for  any  body  of  men  to  organize  to  bring 
about  the  cessation  of  fake  advertisers.  The 
burden  should  have  been  upon  the  duly  chosen 
officers  of  the  law.  But  these  functioned  not. 
Like  the  lilies  of  the  fields  they  toiled  not. 

I  firmly  believe  that  if  somebody  offered  to  sell 
$10  shoes  for  $2  that  the  district  Attorney's  office 
in  any  county  would  pay  no  attention  to  the 
advertisement.  It  would  remain  for  some  other 
shoe  dealer,  in  self  protection  to  start  proceedings 
or  to  see  that  they  were  started  by  somebody. 
What's  the  answer? 

The  answer  lies  in  the  fact  that  criminal  pros 
ecutions  are  like  all  other  things — they  are 
governed  by  self  interest.  Little  old  self  preser 
vation  or  selfishness  is  the  dominating  factor  in 
nearly  everything. 

103 


104  ORIGINALITY 

You  will  say  that  there  have  been  many  cases 
where  fake  advertisers  have  been  exposed  by 
officials.  This  is  true,  but  in  nine  cases  out  of 
ten  you  will  find  that  if  the  official  on  the  job  took 
voluntary  cognizance  of  the  fake  and  proceeded 
against  the  faker  then  the  publicity  was  particu 
larly  desirable  at  that  time. 

Fake  advertising  of  merchandise  is  more  easily 
detected  by  the  public  than  fake  advertising  of  a 
financial  nature.  The  latter  is  hard  to  detect  for 
the  very  reason  that  the  most  convincing  adver 
tisements  get  the  best  results  and  the  faker  is  not 
limited  to  the  truth.  His  object  is  to  sell  stocks 
and  sell  them  quick.  So  he  puts  into  his  adver 
tising  statements  all  those  things  that  will  tend 
to  make  the  advertisement  sound  truthful. 

That  is  why  so  much  fake  financial  advertising 
comes  and  goes  without  prosecution.  By  the 
time  the  proposition  is  investigated  and  found  to 
be  a  fraud  the  damage  has  been  done  and  the 
promotor  has  gone  to  some  other  field  of 
operation. 

Local  advertisers  have  made  the  fake  advertiser 
of  merchandise  practically  a  thing  of  the  past. 
The  fake  financial  advertiser  is  still  a  menace. 
He  can  be  eliminated  in  one  way.  We  offer  the 
remedy. 

Enact  a  Federal  Law,  using  the  post  office  de 
partment  as  the  reason  for  making  it  National  in 


ON  FAKE  ADVERTISING  105 

scope,  compelling  every  advertiser  of  a  financial 
offering  of  stocks  or  bonds  of  all  kinds  to  file  with 
the  United  States  Treasurer  a  sworn  statement 
of  the  actual  physical  value  of  the  property  or 
business  enterprise  behind  the  stock  or  bond,  this 
report  to  be  filed  before  any  offering  can  be  made 
to  the  public.  Further,  make  it  a  criminal  offence 
for  failure  to  file  or  for  filing  false  information 
and  a  greater  offence  to  sell  shares  except  upon 
the  actual  information  in  the  report. 

Somehow  or  other  promoters  are  more  in  fear 
of  the  Federal  government  than  they  are  of  the 
local  government.  If  the  plan  here  suggested  is 
put  into  operation,  the  sale  of  stock  and  bonds 
will  be  facilitated  and  the  advertiser  of  fake  stocks 
and  bonds  will  go  out  of  business  in  the  open. 
Swindling  under  cover  will  go  on  as  before  but 
the  saving  to  the  people  will  run  into  the  tens  of 
millions  of  dollars  annually. 


ON  OUIJA  BOARDS 


ON  OUIJA  BOARDS 

COME  people  don't  believe  in  Ouija  Boards.  But 
then,  there  are  many  people,  even  in  this  en 
lightened  age,  who  don't  believe  in  Santa  Glaus. 
Whether  you  are  a  believer  in  Ouija  Boards  or  not 
you  must  admit  the  subject  offers  possibilities  for 
discussion  and  we  will  now  proceed  to  disgust  it. 

The  Ouija  Board  as  an  indoor  sport  is  not  new. 
The  present  fervor  is  merely  a  revival.  It  had  a 
preliminary  run  several  years  ago  but  didn't  seem 
to  get  over  as  strongly  as  it  has  in  its  recent 
recurrence.  It  is  no  longer  a  toy.  It  has  reached 
the  dignity  of  a  cult.  It  numbers  among  its 
devotees  many  who  are  regarded  as  people  of 
more  than  average  attainments. 

The  idea  of  the  Ouija  Board  as  an  accelerator 
of  spiritual  contact  is  a  good  idea.  It  is  so  good 
that  it  has  been  copyrighted  and  is  protected  by 
the  United  States  Government.  Having  just 
passed  an  Amendment  doing  away  with  distilled 
spirits  for  beverage  purposes  it  seems  only  fair 
that  a  paternal  government  should  take  on  the 
protection  of  other  spirits  that  can  at  will,  be 
drawn  from  the  wood  of  the  Ouija  Board. 

The  true  Ouijarian  is  a  believer.  He  believes 
because  he  has  faith.  He  is  able  and  inordinately 

109 


110  ORIGINALITY 

willing  to  furnish  evidence  in  proof  of  his  conten 
tion  regarding  the  efficacy  of  the  Ouija  Board. 
Hear  ye!  Hear  ye! 

A  friend  of  mine  who  Ouija-izes  with  unflagging 
zeal  at  every  opportunity  proffers  the  following 
instance. 

One  night  she  was  holding  her  faithful  little 
Ouija  on  her  knees.  Her  finger  tips  were  touch 
ing  the  tabloid  table  that  tops  the  board.  She 
asked  the  Board  the  direct  question,  "How  old  is 
my  father?"  Without  a  moment's  hesitation  the 
prow  of  the  planchette  began  to  spin  around  the 
Board  and  spell  out  the  answer.  An  excited 
bystander  wrote  out  the  answer  as  follow,  "I  AM 
VERY  HAPPY."  Explaining  the  answer  my 
friend  assured  me  that  her  father  was  dead  and 
that  this  showed  that  his  spirit  couldn't  be  fooled 
but  that  it  wanted  her  to  know  that  he  was  happy. 

Another  Ouija  follower  gave  me  an  equally  con 
crete  example  of  Ouijaism.  He  had  the  lights  all 
out  except  one.  This  one  had  a  pink  shade  over 
it.  He  never  felt  more  in  tune  with  the  board 
than  on  this  occasion.  Let  him  tell  it — full 
quotes. 

"I  felt  a  mystic  influence  about  me.  I  was 
alone  except  for  Ouija.  I  asked  a  question  out 
loud.  I  felt  that  the  answer  would  come,  I  be 
lieved.  I  said  'Ouija  tell  me  if  my  love  is  recipro 
cated?'  I  waited  for  the  answer.  Little  beads 


ON  OUIJA  BOARDS  111 

of  perspiration  stood  out  on  my  forehead.  No 
answer  came.  I  repeated  the  question  whisper 
ing  it,  this  time,  and  then  waited.  Slowly  the 
planchette  began  to  move  over  the  smooth  sur 
face  of  the  board.  I  thought  of  those  immortal 
words  of  Omar,  'The  moving  finger  writes.'  I 
watched  the  little  table.  Patiently  it  began  to 
spell  out  its  message.  The  letters  'C-H-A-S-S' 
came  out  distinctly  and  then  the  planchette 
refused  to  function  further. 

"I  knew  there  was  an  answer  to  be  found  in 
these  letters.  I  puzzled  my  brain  for  hours. 
Then  like  a  flash,  it  came  to  me.  The  Ouija 
Board  on  this  occasion  was  controlled  by  the 
spirit  of  an  old  friend  who  had  passed  into  spirit 
land  four  years  ago.  He  was  a  Dutch  Comedian 
and  always  joked  with  me  in  quaint  dialect.  He 
wouldn't  say  'Yes'.  He  would  speak  to  me  in  the 
same  old  intimate  way  as  of  yore.  He  would  say 
'Chass'  instead  of  'Yes'. 

"You  can't  imagine  the  joy  that  came  to  me 
with  this  discovery.  Often  I  had  doubted  my 
Ouija  Board.  But  with  absolute,  scientific,  con 
vincing  evidence  before  me  of  its  marvelous,  yes, 
its  supernatural  powers,  how  could  I  remain  any 
thing  but  a  firm  believer  in  the  future?" 

He  closed  his  eyes  and  his  recital  at  the  same 
time.  I  was  so  overcome  that  I  turned  my  head 
away.  It  was  nothing  short  of  uncanny.  So 


112  ORIGINALITY 

simple,  so  eloquent,  so  concise,  so  reasonable. 
And  yet — 

As  we — to  return  to  the  editorial  department 
for  the  nonce  or  the  noncence  if  you  prefer  the 
accusative  case — stated  in  the  opening  round  of 
this  bout,  there  are  still  those  who  don't  believe 
in  Ouija  Boards.  How  such  unbelief  can  flaunt 
itself  in  the  face  of  such  evidence  as  we  have  here 
so  carefully  connoted  is  something  that  we  cannot 
understand  unless  it  be  on  the  old  Lincolnian 
maxim  that  a  Board  in  the  lap  is  worth  two  boards 
in  the  fence.  You  can't  understand  a  Ouija 
Board  unless  you  have  wood  in  your  head.  In 
other  words  it  is  a  knotty  problem  no  matter  how 
you  view  it. 


ON  GOING  TO  CHURCH 


ON  GOING  TO  CHURCH 

HPHE  fact  that  ten  times  as  many  people  attend 
the  movies  as  go  to  church  isn't  a  fact.  It  is 
a  lie.  What  the  man  who  started  this  mis-state 
ment  on  its  travels  probably  meant  to  say  was  that 
the  total  admissions  of  all  the  movie  houses  in  a 
year  would  be  ten  times  the  number  of  those  who 
attend  all  the  church  services  during  a  year.  For 
the  sake  of  conservatism  let  us  include  as  church 
services  the  Billy  Sunday  revivals  wherever  he 
may  be  tabernackling. 

But  that  there  are  ten  times  as  many  people 
who  attend  movies  as  attend  churches  is,  of 
course,  ridiculous.  Some  regular  church  goers, 
once-a-month  or  so,  are  frequenters  of  movies 
every  other  day.  They  go  to  the  movies  because 
they  like  them.  They  go  to  church  as  a  sort  of 
a  duty.  Let's  see  if  we  can't  straighten  it  out. 

Should  a  man  or  woman  or  a  child  go  to  church 
unless  there  is  some  pleasure  in  it?  Many  will 
say  "yes"  and  adduce  the  idea  that  going  to 
church  is  a  sacred  obligation,  that  this  is  the  only 
way  to  keep  in  touch  with  the  heavenly  father 
etc.  etc.  Why  keeping  in  touch  with  the  infinite 
should  be  so  dull  and  uninteresting  that  people 

115 


116  ORIGINALITY 

shrink  from  it  is  something  yet  to  be  explained. 
We  can't  accept  the  premise  as  correct. 

Years  ago,  when  a  man  went  out  and  got  drunk, 
instead  of  going  to  church,  the  deacons  or  the 
ministers  used  to  say  that  the  devil  had  lured  him 
away.  But  the  churches  are  not  competing  with 
the  saloons  any  more.  The  saloons  are  gone 
forever. 

The  movies  are  not  conducted  as  competitors 
of  the  churches.  No  movie  house  runs  a  line  on 
the  screen  telling  people  not  to  go  to  church.  On 
the  contrary  every  film,  if  it  teaches  a  lesson  at 
all,  teaches  the  evils  of  immorality  and  advises 
people  to  be  good.  While  propaganda  is  not  the 
main  offering  of  the  movie  houses  there  is  a 
sprinkling  of  it  in  nearly  every  feature  picture. 
Not  a  picture  that  has  ever  been  screened  in 
America  ever  hinted  that  drunkenness  was  desir 
able,  that  robbery  was  justifiable  or  that  murder 
could  be  committed  with  impunity.  More  effec 
tively  than  any  minister  could  hope  to  tell  the 
story  has  the  honest  young  lover  always  won  the 
girl  in  the  story  as  told  at  the  movie  house. 
People  don't  go  to  movies  to  avoid  being  mor 
alized  at  They  love  it.  But — 

They  like  it  doped  up  in  pleasant  dress.  They 
like  it  in  sugar  coated  pill  form.  They  like  it 
with  a  little  rag-time.  They  don't  like  it  in  dull 
monotone.  They  don't  like  it  the  way  their 


ON  GOING  TO  CHURCH  117 

grandfather  used  to  be  compelled  to  take  it  when 
he  was  a  little  boy.  They  want  it  as  of  the  year 
1921,  which  is  three  hundred  and  one  years  after 
the  Pilgrims  laid  the  corner  stone  of  an  American 
democracy  and  founded  the  famous  line  of  Ply 
mouth  Rock  hens,  who  lay  the  foundation  of  our 
breakfast  table  menu. 

People  go  to  the  movies  because  the  movies 
are  up  to  date.  If  a  movie  manager's  business 
falls  off  he  changes  his  program.  He  doesn't 
pray  to  God  for  a  revival  of  big  audiences.  He 
sends  a  hurry  up  call  to  Jesse  Lasky  or  Goldwyn 
or  D.  W.  Griffith  and  says  "Give  me  a  line  of 
pictures  that  the  people  want  to  see."  And  he 
gets  them. 

But  the  church  with  a  seating  capacity  of  600 
will  drag  along  with  a  Sunday  morning  audience 
of  100,  patiently  waiting  for  Easter  and  the  Sun 
day  before  Christmas  or  a  visit  from  the  Bishop 
to  give  it  a  boost  for  one  day  and  never  do  a  thing 
to  look  into  the  cause  for  the  poor  attendance. 
The  church  people  can  put  the  blame  onto  God 
if  they  wish  to  but  if  he  is  to  be  blamed  for  keep 
ing  people  from  going  to  church  then  he  should 
be  given  credit  for  sending  them  to  the  movies  in 
droves.  Surely  if  he  didn't  want  them  at  the 
movies  he  wouldn't  let  them  go.  You  see  where 
such  a  method  of  reasoning  would  lead  us.  God 
has  no  direct  bearing  on  the  question.  It  is  a 


118  ORIGINALITY 

little  problem  that  we  can  settle  for  ourselves, 
with  the  brains  that  God  gave  us  to  settle  little 
problems. 

The  reason  that  people  go  to  movies  frequently 
and  to  church  only  occasionally  is  because  they 
like  the  movies  better.  A  good  movie  is  a  treat. 
A  poor  sermon  is  a  disgrace.  Most  churches  are 
poorly  conducted,  the  services  are  dull,  there  isn't 
any  pep  to  the  music  and  the  sermons  are  in 
keeping  with  the  rest  of  the  show. 

What  the  churches  need  is  jazz.  Wake  up  the 
audiences!  Retire  the  out- worn  ministers.  Give 
better  salaries  for  better  preachers!  Hire  the 
best  available  singers !  Advertise  the  attractions ! 
Put  on  a  better  show  than  the  movies  and  the 
churches  will  get  bigger  crowds.  People  are 
entitled  to  an  entertainment  even  when  they  are 
being  good.  They  get  it  at  the  movies.  Until 
they  get  it  at  church  they  will  go  to  the  movies  in 
preference.  You  can't  get  around  it  by  prayer. 
Action  is  the  only  solution. 


ON  THE  ULTIMATE  PHOTO-PLAYS 


ON  THE  ULTIMATE  PHOTO-PLAYS 

'"PHERE  have  been  so  many  "expert"  opinions 
ventured  during  the  past  year  that  a  mere 
observer  of  picture-plays  must  needs  move  cau 
tiously  in  expressing  himself  on  the  subject  of 
"what  the  Public  wants." 

As  a  student  of  entertainment  and  a  some-time 
writer  of  stories,  I  offer  the  following  analytical 
comment  on  the  trend  of  the  movies,  not  merely 
as  something  that  I  am  hopeful  will  be,  but  some 
thing  that  I  really  believe  must  be  the  ultimate 
picture — I  mean  the  dominant,  majority-picture 
of  the  near  future. 

One  thing  is  established  beyond  all  doubt.  The 
motion-picture  patrons  of  today  know  good  pho 
tography,  recognize  good  acting,  laugh  at  fakes, 
yawn  at  dullness  and  are  not  thrilled  simply 
because  the  press  agents  of  the  Distributing 
Agency  predict  that  they  will  be.  After  five  years 
of  constantly  improving  pictures  the  public  of 
nowadays  are  a  pretty  wise  crowd,  and  the  pro 
ducers  who  don't  cut  their  positive  prints 
accordingly  will  find  it  out,  maybe,  when  it  is  too 
late. 

A  while  ago  the  stage  was  going  through  the 
throes  of  dramatization  of  novels,  parts  of  the 

121 


122  ORIGINALITY 

bible,  famous  and  infamous  trials,  short  stories 
and  well-known  advertisements.  A  prominent 
dramatist  called  up  a  big  play-producer,  one  day, 
and  said  "Dave,  I've  got  one  of  the  most  brilliant 
ideas  that  has  struck  a  New  York  playright  this 
year.  We  have  dramatized  about  everything  ex 
cept  the  New  York  Public  Library,  but  guess  what 
I  am  going  to  dramatize?" 

"Give  it  up,"  said  Dave. 

"I  have  decided,"  said  the  playright,  and  his 
voice  shook  with  supressed  emotion,  "I  have 
decided  to  dramatize  a  play." 

"Good  heavens!"  shouted  the  big  producer  "you 
don't  mean  it.  The  most  original  thing  I've  heard 
in  years.  I  guarantee,  without  seeing  it,  to  pro 
duce  it." 

I  feel  that  it  is  about  time  that  the  motion  pic 
ture  field  gets  ready  to  secure  its  own  writers, 
picturize  its  own  stories,  and  photograph  some 
photo-plays.  Some  producers  are  already  feeling 
their  way  around  the  dark  rooms.  Very  soon  we 
shall  see  screen  productions  of  stories  written 
especially  for  the  screen  by  men  who  think  in  pic 
tures  because  they  have  trained  themselves  so  to 
think. 

I  have  written  a  few  novels,  a  lot  of  verse,  a 
modicum  of  sketches,  a  play  or  two,  an  endless 
raft  of  short  stories,  articles,  essays  and  advertise 
ments  without  end.  Recently,  some  well-paid-for 


ON  THE  ULTIMATE  PHOTO-PLAYS     123 

acceptances  of  scenarios  have  put  me  into  the 
motion  picture  field. 

I  have  found  that  the  style  of  presentation  is 
so  entirely  different,  the  original  conception  of 
story,  of  climax,  of  holding  the  interest  is  so  dis 
associated  from  all  other  kinds  of  writing  that  I 
am  quite  convinced  the  writing  of  picture-plays 
is  in  a  class  by  itself. 

Augustus  Thomas  sits  at  his  desk  and  thinks 
up  four  situations  called  acts,  into  which  he  puts 
all  his  characters  and  tells  his  story. 

C.  Gardner  Sullivan  or  any  of  the  better  photo 
play  dramatists  sit  at  their  typewriters  and  for 
every  one  of  Mr.  Thomas'  acts  their  minds  create 
forty  or  fifty  scenes,  interspersed  with  close-ups, 
sub-titles  and  flashes.  Instead  of  conversations 
they  think  up  scenes  that  indicate  what  the  con 
versation  would  naturally  be  in  the  situation 
shown.  Only  in  cases  of  any  possible  doubt  do 
they  supply  the  conversation  with  sub-titles  and 
quotation  marks. 

Many  a  short  story  and  many  a  long  story  find 
a  market  because  of  the  cleverness  of  the  author 
in  the  use  of  the  written  word.  But  to  write 
scenarios  in  the  hope  that  clever  sub-titles  will 
put  the  pictures  across  is  a  wild  dream. 

Quite  a  few  productions  fell  dismally  back  onto 
the  shelves  because  the  producers  fooled  them 
selves  into  thinking  that  a  popular  story  in 


124  ORIGINALITY 

magazine  form  necessarily  meant  a  popular 
photo-play.  Skinner's  Dress  Suit  fitted  the  clas 
sic  form  of  Bryant  Washburn  in  a  most  wonderful 
way.  But  it  had  a  dandy  story  to  go  with  it. 
The  short  story  could  have  followed  the  screen 
version  just  as  well  as  the  screen  play  followed 
the  short  story.  If  you  don't  believe  me,  just 
watch  the  crop  of  bloomers  that  will  scenario 
themselves  out  of  the  Saturday  Evening  Post 
within  the  next  year  or  two. 

I  heard  from  a  producer  the  other  day,  and  was 
informed  that  the  firm  had  decided  hereafter  to 
screen  only  novels  that  had  attained  wide  popu 
larity.  In  view  of  the  decision  of  a  big  Western 
publishing  house — just  made — not  to  produce  any 
more  novels  except  those  taken  from  big  screen 
successes,  I  am  wondering  what  would  happen  to 
any  poor  author  who  got  between  these  two  firms 
and  waited — one  refusing  to  screen  his  story  until 
it  was  published  as  a  novel  and  the  other  refusing 
to  consider  his  manuscript  as  a  novel  until  it  had 
been  released  all  over  the  country  as  a  successful 
photo-play.  The  only  course  open  to  him  would 
be  to  write  a  story  called  "Starvation"  and  leave 
the  manuscript  to  the  Art  Museum. 

The  best  plays  ever  seen  were  written  by  play- 
rights  for  production  on  the  stage.  The  best 
photo -plays  will  be  written  by  photo-dramatists 
who  write  in  scenes,  think  in  picture-climaxes 


ON  THE  ULTIMATE  PHOTO-PLAYS    125 

and  visualize  their  thoughts  in  motion-photo- 
grapy. 

As  to  the  cleanliness  of  the  subjects,  the 
decency  of  the  photo-play  field  and  its  ultimate 
moral  tone,  these  things  always  work  themselves 
out  automatically.  The  names  that  live  in  drama 
are  all  clean  names.  A  man  who  can't  play  the 
Keith  Circuit  because  his  act  is  unfitted  for  nice 
audiences  will  soon  find  himself  without  steady 
work  on  any  circuit.  The  burlesque  houses  of 
today  would  not  produce  the  burlesque  shows  of 
twenty  years  ago. 

George  M.  Cohan  never  wrote  an  unclean  joke, 
never  put  over  a  questionable  line  in  all  the  shows 
or  sketches  he  has  written.  Only  a  very  careless 
man  would  suggest  that  Cohan  is  not  fairly  suc 
cessful  as  a  purveyor  of  entertainment. 

The  ultimate  motion-picture  plays  will  be 
highly  specialized,  well-acted,  clearly  photo 
graphed  dramas  of  movement,  subtitled  as  little 
as  possible,  with  logical  climaxes,  well-spaced 
thrills,  clean  comedy  of  situation,  consistent  plots 
and  satisfactory  endings. 

Such  plays  can  only  be  produced  by  exper 
ienced  directors,  working  with  equally  exper 
ienced  actors,  scene  builders,  camera-men,  get 
ting  their  inspiration  from  manuscripts  written 
for  the  purpose  by  men  and  women  who  think  of 
stories  only  in  terms  of  photography  and  whose 
stage  vision  is  as  wide  as  the  wide,  wide  world. 


ON  INTERRUPTIONS 


ON  INTERRUPTIONS 


phase  of  mentality,  or  lack  of  it,  that  has 
often  been  forced  upon  my  attention  is  the 
weakness  that  some  people  have  for  interrupting. 
Butting  in  might  be  a  better  term,  but,  of  course, 
it  would  never  do  to  use  such  a  clearly-compre 
hended  expression  in  what  purports  to  be  an 
essay.  So  we  will — after  this  interruption — get 
back  to  a  given  point  and  start  again. 

Interruptions  are  not  confined  to  any  special 
stratum  of  society.  From  meetings  of  the  vestry 
men  of  the  church,  up  to,  and  including  barber 
shops,  the  weakness  is  manifested. 

I  recall  one  barber  shop  to  which  I  am  forced 
to  go  occasionally  for  a  hair-cut.  I  have  noted 
that,  regardless  of  how  dull  may  be  the  shop  when 
I  enter  it,  no  sooner  am  I  seated  in  the  chair  of 
the  head-barber — by  "head"  I  mean  "chief  or 
"first" — than  every  barber  in  the  shop  discovers 
that  he  has  something  of  the  utmost  importance 
to  say  to  the  man  who  is  supposed  to  be  giving 
his  attention  to  me.  Not  another  customer  in  the 
shop.  Not  a  word  had  been  said  or  a  thing  done 
for  the  half  hour  up  to  the  time  when  I  interrupted 
the  peace  and  quiet  of  their  place  of  business. 

And  yet — 

129 


130  ORIGINALITY 

My  entrance  seems  to  have  been  a  signal  for 
all  kinds  of  activity  and  all  of  it  must,  of  necessity, 
be  predicated  upon  the  spoken  word  and  this 
spoken  word  is  an  interchange  of  language  be 
tween  the  man  working  on  my  hair  and  his 
numerous  assistants — know  in  the  composite  as 
"the  help."  That,  I  shall  not  attempt  to  explain. 

"When  is  the  towel  man  coming?"  "Will  I 
hone  Mr.  Seeley's  razor?"  "Did  you  notice  how 
cold  it  was  this  morning  at  5  o'clock?"  "Will  I 
go  out  and  get  that  bay  rum  now,  or  wait  till 
later?"  and  one  million  other  questions  are  hurled 
at  the  occupied  chair  of  otherwise  empty  barber 
shops  all  over  the  United  States,  every  day. 
Whether  this  is  part  of  the  course  in  Italy,  the 
alma  mater  of  our  tonsorial  system,  is  something 
with  which  I  am  not  familiar. 

That  it  holds  good  in  all  the  boot-blacking 
parlors,  every  man  who  ever  has  his  shoes  shined 
will  bear  me  witness.  Go  into  any  of  Professor 
Joe's  places,  anywhere  in  America.  Let  every 
chair  be  empty.  Let  the  entire  force  be  sound 
asleep  dreaming  of  Dante  or  D'Annunzio  or  The 
Acropolis,  if  it  is  that  kind  of  a  shop,  and  get  into 
a  chair,  thus  indicating  that  you  wish  your  shoes 
cleaned. 

Long  before  the  instructor — full  professorships 
are  conferred  only  upon  the  owners — has  reached 
that  point  in  his  work  where  you  feel  it  necessary 


ON  INTERRUPTIONS  131 

to  caution  him  about  your  sox  not  needing  any 
paste,  every  other  man  in  the  place  is  on  his  feet 
and  asking  questions  of  the  one  who  from  time 
to  time  pays  a  little  attention  to  your  shoes. 

Does  he  ignore  his  countrymen  and  chide  them? 
Does  he  speak  to  them  sharply  and  call  their 
attention  to  the  fact  that  he  is  busy  with  a 
customer?  Forsooth,  he  does  not.  In  fact,  he 
seems  to  take  an  uncanny  interest  in  everything 
they  say. 

With  a  box  of  red  paste  in  one  hand — I'm 
assuming  you  wear  black  shoes — and  with  the 
other  hand  in  close  proximity  to  the  knee  of  your 
light  trousers  or  leaning  gracefully  upon  it,  he 
acts  as  the  switchboard  of  a  bunch  of  overseas 
jargon  that  would  make  the  press  gallery  at  the 
Olympic  games  think  they  had  been  cut  off  from 
the  world. 

Of  course,  interruptions  are  not  confined  to  the 
higher  forms  of  industry.  You  get  them  even  in 
banking  circles  or  in  Doctor's  offices  or  at  the 
Somerset  Club.  No  place  is  immune. 

You  wait  two  hours  hi  order  to  have  a  strictly 
private  interview  with  some  man  in  an  office 
which  proclaims  in  gilt  letters  to  everybody  that 
it  is  "private".  Do  you  get  a  private  interview? 
You  do  not. 

In  the  midst  of  your  best  sentence — something 
corresponding  in  your  speech  to  the  second  para- 


132  ORIGINALITY 

graph  of  Lincoln's  address  at  Gettysburg — you 
are  stopped  short  by  a  ring  of  the  phone  and  you 
learn,  with  much  pleasure,  that  Mr.  So-and-So's 
limousine  is  to  be  laid  up  for  one  more  day  and 
he  will  have  to  get  along  as  best  he  can  with  the 
little  old  last  year's  landaulet.  He  takes  five  min 
utes  to  tell  you  about  the  rotten  service  he's 
getting  at  the  garage  and  you  sit  like  a  dummy 
afraid  to  interrupt  him  and  put  the  interview  back 
onto  the  main  line  where  it  ought  to  be. 

I  imagine  you  get  me,  together  with  the  moral 
of  these  few  observations,  so,  without  further 
interruptions,  the  next  subject  will  be  in  order. 


ON  WHY  NOT  WORRY? 


ON  WHY  NOT  WORRY? 

TTHE  idea  seems  to  be  quite  prevalent  that 
mental  activity  is  conductive  to  ill-health 
whereas  the  contrary  is  the  truth.  Health  comes 
from  an  active  mind,  a  mind  that  is  working  at 
concert  pitch,  sending  directions  to  the  heart,  and 
telling  that  engine  to  keep  busy  in  the  circulation 
department. 

A  wrong  conception  of  mental  activity  has  crept 
into  the  minds  of  many  people.  For  lack  of  the 
ability  to  diagnose  many  cases,  innumerable  phy 
sicians  have  spread  the  false  propaganda  that 
worry  brings  about  ill-health,  that  worry  is  a 
curse  that  must  be  eradicated  or  else  the  ill-health 
will  continue  and  after  elaborating  on  the  propo 
sition  they  look  their  patients  full  in  the  face  and 
with  profound  sombreness  say  "You  are  worrying 
too  much.  That's  what  is  the  matter.  You  must 
stop  worrying  and  you  will  be  all  right." 

Of  all  the  stupid  things  ever  advanced  by  the 
medical  profession — and  they  have  surely  put  out 
a  full  quota  of  stupidity — this  is  the  essence.  To 
intelligent  people  it  is  a  joke.  But  to  those  who 
still  believe  that  a  Doctor's  diploma  carries  with 
it  some  magical  power,  it  is  a  menace.  This  little 
paper  on  the  subject  will  not  stop  it,  but  if  it  saves 

135 


136  ORIGINALITY 

only  one  trusting  man  or  woman  from  a  life  of 
misery  or  sets  some  doctor  straight  it  will  be  doing 
something. 

Let  us  go  at  it,  logically,  and  with  a  concrete 
example  in  mind. 

A  woman  feels  ill.  Her  stomach  is  not  doing 
its  work  or  she  has  a  back-ache  or  she  has 
frequent  head-aches.  She,  naturally,  consults 
her  doctor.  He  prescribes  the  usual  stuff.  She 
takes  it.  It  doesn't  work.  The  aches  or  the 
disorders  continue.  He  looks  wise — at  least,  he 
tries  to  do  so.  He  shakes  his  head.  He  becomes 
deep.  Then  he  pulls  the  same  old  dope.  Doctors 
always  do  the  same  thing,  that  is,  unless  they  are 
"specialists".  Then  they  charge  more  for  doing 
it. 

"Have  you  been  worrying,  of  late?"  he  asks  his 
patient.  Has  she  been  worrying?  Why,  the  poor 
simp,  can't  he  tell,  without  asking  a  single  ques 
tion,  that  she  has  been  worrying  about  the  rent, 
and  the  wash-lady,  and  the  new  girl  and  the 
income  tax  and  her  husband's  spats  and  Mildred's 
new  dresses  and  the  gown  she  is  to  wear  at  the 
Alpha  Alpha  Club  reception  and  4279  other  things 
that  engage  the  attention  of  every  intelligent 
woman  who  isn't  dead  from  her  heels  up?  Her 
brain  is  active,  keyed  up,  she  is  responsive  to  heat 
and  cold,  she  takes  an  interest  in  her  family  and 
in  the  life  of  the  neighborhood.  Worry?  Sure 


ON  WHY  NOT  WORRY?  137 

she  worries,  if  the  correct  definition  for  worry  is 
the  one  that  the  Doctors  would  make  us  swallow 
as  though  it  were  a  dose  of  quinine. 

So  the  poor  woman  has  to  say  "Yes",  in  a 
frightened  voice  and  the  Doctor  smiles  and  says, 
"I  thought  so.  You  are  neurasthenic.  You  must 
stop  worrying  or  you  will  be  a  nervous  wreck!" 

Get  the  picture.  A  sick  woman,  a  big  husky 
Doctor  getting  paid  for  telling  her  to  stop  wor 
rying  and  intimating  that  every  time  she  uses  her 
brain  she  is  endangering  her  health.  And  he 
expects  her  to  stop  thinking  just  because  he  says 
so. 

Does  she  go  home  and  do  what  the  nice,  kind 
Doctor  man  tells  her?  She  does  not.  She  tries 
to  think  less  of  her  regular  duties  and  the  harder 
she  tries  the  more  she  thinks.  Then  comes  the 
terrible  thought  that  she  is  "worrying",  that  she 
is  not  following  the  Doctor's  instructions. 
Naturally,  she  becomes  irritated  more  and  more. 

She  begins  to  feel  pains  that  she  never  knew 
existed.  She  begins  to  experience  mental  an 
guish  that  she  never  knew  before.  And  she  goes 
to  the  Doctor  again  and  explains  it  all  to  him. 
Waste  of  effort.  Instead  of  convincing  him,  as 
it  should,  that  he  is  making  a  mental  wreck  out 
of  his  patient  with  his  dam  fool  talk,  he  accepts 
her  story  as  a  confirmation  of  his  analysis.  So 
he  tells  her  again,  not  to  worry,  that  it  will  ruin 


138  ORIGINALITY 

her  nervous  system  and  she  goes  home  and  tries 
to  do  the  impossible.  She  tries  not  to  think. 
She  might  just  as  well  try  not  to  breathe,  perma 
nently.  At  least  she  can  stop  breathing  for  short 
spells,  but  the  brain  never  stops  working  and  for 
a  Doctor  to  tell  a  woman  "not  to  worry"  is  to 
tell  her  "not  to  think".  It  can't  be  done. 

He  is  false  in  his  premise.  Years  ago  the  same 
profession  used  to  bleed  people.  They  now  shoot 
blood  into  them.  They  used  to  keep  the  windows 
of  a  sick  room  closed.  Now  they  open  every 
window  they  can  find  and  give  folks  oxygen  from 
a  tank.  They  used  to  laugh  at  Dentists.  Now, 
every  Doctor  has  his  pet  dentist  to  whom  he  sends 
his  patients.  They  ought  to  go  to  the  dentist 
first.  Then  they  might  not  need  the  Doctor. 
Why  multiply  examples?  Everybody  knows  that 
most  Doctor's  books  are  out-of-date  before  the 
books  get  to  the  bindery.  Why  they  waste  the 
fees  for  having  them  copyrighted  is  something  I 
can't  understand. 

And  their  latest  fetish  is  "worry".  Being 
something  ascribed  to  the  brain,  and  therefore 
hidden,  they  can  go  as  far  as  they  like.  If  they 
analyzed  the  trouble  as  gall  stones  or  appendicitis 
or  something  that  the  Mayo  brothers  could  show, 
iii  thirty  seconds,  was  or  wasn't  so,  they  wouldn't 
get  away  with  it  at  all.  But  "worry"?  Why, 
they  read  into  it  every  brain  function,  and  hypno- 


ON  WHY  NOT  WORRY?  139 

tize  the  patient  to  such  an  extent  that  every  time 
she  uses  her  brain  she  feels  that  she  is  weakening 
her  system  and,  of  course,  such  mental  activity 
can  have  but  one  result — the  worst. 

The  solution  of  this  problem  is  simple.  I  call 
upon  every  "Doctor",  every  "neurologist",  every 
"psychologist",  or  what  not  to  tell  their  patients 
to  do  all  the  worrying  they  please.  Tell  them 
that  the  word  "worry"  has  crept  into  the  medical 
language  under  false  pretenses.  Tell  them  the 
truth,  that  mental  activity  only  becomes  "worry" 
when  some  Doctor  tells  his  patient  that  it  is 
effecting  his  health  and,  of  course,  the  health, 
from  that  time  on,  is  in  danger. 

Let  a  Doctor  tell  a  man  that  "walking"  is  bad 
for  him  and  the  man  will  be  red  in  the  face  at  the 
end  of  a  hundred  yard  walk.  Tell  the  same  man 
that  walking  is  the  best  thing  he  can  do  and  he 
will  walk  two  miles  without  puffing,  even  though 
his  heart  is  organically  weak. 

It  all  comes  from  the  mind.  Tell  a  man  that 
his  mental  activity  is  endangering  his  health  and 
of  course  his  health  becomes  involved  Just  be 
cause  it  is  in  his  mind  all  the  time  thereafter. 

TeD  every  man  or  woman  that  they  can  do  all 
the  worrying  they  feel  like,  that  it  is  the  best 
thing  they  can  do,  that  it  is  mental  activity  that 
stimulates  the  action  of  the  heart  and  improves 
the  circulation  and  they  will  read  into  every  men- 


140  ORIGINALITY 

tal  activity  some  good  that  is  to  result  in  their 
general  health. 

Most  people  can't  rise  above  the  opinion  of 
Doctors.  That  is  why  they  consult  them.  Let's 
have  done  with  this  "worry"  bunk.  It  is  a  danger 
to  the  community.  It  is  founded  on  a  false  hy 
pothesis.  You  can't  make  a  man  feel  well  by 
telling  him  that  every  normal  activity  is  making 
him  ill.  Therefore  tell  him  that  his  activity  is 
conducive  to  health  and  see  how  quick  he  will 
respond. 

It  is  logic.    It  is  psychology.    Why  not  worry? 


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